Safe and Secure....

I long to be safe and secure. In my life, my brokenness tends to present, well a number of different ways.... but one of them is this insatiable drive to keep things as perfect as possible.... I think its because if I can keep my life and those in it inside of a pretty little box, I can manage and minimize potential pain....

There are alot of problems with this type of pain management. The first, and most obvious perhaps to those of you that don't struggle with it, is that its a big fat joke. Managing and minimizing pain isn't possible, you're just trading one type of pain for another, one that you are responsible for. Another major downfall of perfectionism and control is that other people in your life don't seem to like being controlled. Some times you find a personality whose brokenness makes it difficult for them to make decisions and they are, for a time, happy to take orders for you, but as soon as they pursue wholeness: presto, they see you for what you really are.... There really is no joy in this type of existence. You see, for us perfectionist, critical, Type A, achievers, nothing is ever good enough. We live in a state of constant disappointment, using our perception of other peoples failures to ignore our own faults and support the lie, that we can do it better than anybody else. Regardless of what it is....

Eventually, you outgrow the affirmation you once achieved for being capable, able and willing to influence, and are resented, rejected and mad at the world inside your pretty little box.... Thank God. I think its hear when we examine what drives us and what its cost us that we can truly begin to see God's economy and his design for relationships in our lives.

He has called us into relationship with Him. Called us into relationship with others. That certainly guarantees pain. But he is our protector and desires for us to lean into him with our disappointments and sorrows. In the safety of his wing where we are safe and secure, where we learn to cultivate relationships with agape, sacrificial love, there we will find Joy. There we can rest easy. There we can truly be safe and secure.

And we can stop carrying the box and release others into his care as well... Its a sacrifice, but I suspect his way is so much lighter!

Psalm 16
Confidence in the LORD
1 Protect me, God, for I take refuge in You.
2 I [said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You."
3 As for the holy people who are in the land,
they are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who take another [god]
for themselves multiply;
I will not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
and I will not speak their names with my lips.
5 LORD, You are my portion
and my cup [of blessing];
You hold my future.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD who counsels me
even at night my conscience instructs me.
8 I keep the LORD in mind always.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad,
and my spirit rejoices;
my body also rests securely.
10 For You will not abandon me to Sheol;
You will not allow Your Faithful One to see the Pit.
11 You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your presence is abundant joy;
in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.

Faith and Hope... and Love...

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..." Okay, this has been a challenge for me. I'm a tangible kind of person. Okay Okay, I'm a skeptical kind of person. I don't blindly trust anybody. Barely trust many and don't believe in much. I want to examine things, touch them, add the up, and measure them, before I stamp my approval on them. Not so easy to do with things we can't see. Beth Moore in "Believing God" defines hope as Anxious Expectation. I'm realizing that you can't anxiously expect anything if you live in disappointmentville. What I mean is that you can't really be hoping and waiting and expecting and being sure of things to come if you are stuck in the frustration of the things we don't have yet. I'm not really talking about material things like enough money, or clothes or food, though I guess these things could apply. In my life its more a state of peace that I covet. A sense of security, safety, belonging. A sense of love and being loved.... Which brings me to love....
1st Corinthians 13 4 Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited;5 does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrong 6 finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends.
This isn't exactly a new scripture to me, or to you I'll bet. I mean, even hallmark has exploited this one. But when's the last time you looked at it? I mean really looked at it. Who can really do that? In a society where we are taught to protect and cover ourselves, to look out for number one, and make sure we get our needs met, how do we love selflessly? How do we always love patiently and kindly, how do we keep from fault finding and recording? If love bared all things, and endured all things there wouldn't be so much divorce. I tried to look up the stats on divorce and see what the numbers actually were, but I got depressed before I could figure it out. I will say on a brighter note, due to the poor economic situation of our country more and more people are staying together because they can't afford to divorce.

Sorry- I bunny trailed there. But seriously 1 Corinthians 13:13 Says that out of Faith, Hope and Love the greatest of these is love. (Probably because God is Love 1 John 4:16)But can we really love without Hope or Faith? I mean really love. I suggest that the things that hinder us from loving well are our hurts, and our fears of being hurt and disappointed when we make ourselves vulnerable to love. We self protect, seek to meet our own needs for fear someone else won't meet them. Keep track of the wrongs that have been done to us, so that our case for loving poorly is made stronger by their faults. I suggest that since God is love, He's the only one that can love us the way we deserve and desperately need to be loved. The dichotomy in this is that because of our experiences with other people, God bears the brunt of our frustration and disappointment, and we use our hurts to distance ourselves from the only one who can truly heal them.

I think I am learning that even though it will be impossible for me to love perfectly, my only hope of loving well is to receive the love I need from God, and stop expecting other people and things to meet those needs. When I am sure of my anxious expectation to receive love from Him, maybe I'll be able to love well more of the time.

Well, that and I'm abandoning my dwelling place in disappointmentville and resuming my journey towards Anxious Expectation...

I'm tired.

So, as it turns out choosing a happy heart and a good perspective is absolutely exhausting. Can I just be honest for a minute? I'm tired. I'm tired of the process, tired of the journey, tired of choosing peace, tired of pressing in, I'm freakin tired. It's a tall order, I'm a short person. There have been three days this week. I was a grumpy grumperson three days this week. How's that for keeping a record of wrongs? (Is it permitted if it's about you?) So this week was one of those no coffee, birds are silent kind of weeks. We've had drama, late nights, clutter and mess, more messy leaking cloth diapers than I can count, and you know what? I can't even blame it on the weather because it has been absolutely beautiful this week, except I didn't really enjoy it well with my bad attitude... Sorry for the venting and negativity, I'm just trying to be honest here...

Last night I was driving home from working late, and fighting with the cell phone company warranty dpt. (I won, in case you were wondering) reflecting on my miserable day. I was listening to "positive, encouraging, listener supported K-Love" and the DJ promised that whatever kind of day I was having the next songs would be absolutely applicable to me. I rolled my eyes in cynicism. I can't say that the songs really did anything for me, but something did. It was this track of a little boy reading a passage in Isaiah in his innocent voice. He didn't question the words he was reading, he just confidently read them (well, as confidently as a beginning reader can) and spoke them as they were truth. Here's what he said (Isaiah 40:28-31)

28 He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.

30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,

31 but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint. "

The conversation in my heart went something like this.

I'm tired God. That's okay, I never grow tired. I'm feel faint Lord. I understand. I have nothing left Lord. I offer strength to the powerless. I'm stumbling Lord. I will make you soar on eagle's wings. I fell Lord. If you trust in me you will walk and not faint....

So maybe what I'm learning is that in the journey, there's a place for exhaustion. Exhaustion that can not be remedied with that 5th cup of coffee. (Believe me, I've tried) There's a place for the weary. Lord, I'm weary. The Bible tells us not to worry, but then offers us the opportunity to cast our cares on Him. Once again, I've been trusting in my determination. My plan, my stregnth, my faithfulness. And at the end of me and my best, there is only utter dependence on Him. Learning to trust in Him....

A Happy Heart

So I'm on this training kick with my children, teaching them to have a happy heart. It's a phrase I picked up from my church family, one that they use liberally with their children, so if I've heard you say it, thank you.

Teaching your kids how to have a happy heart is an interesting concept. It works well on multiple levels. Julia told Noah the other day that having patience meant waiting with a happy heart. When they experience frustration or difficulty, we encourage them to be real with that emotion, to experience it, and move on. I think the key is to move on. Recently I told Julia that whatever had disappointed her early in the day was legitimately frustrating and difficult. But it was like, 9:00 AM- and if that emotion was allowed to, it would cloud the rest of her day. I explained to her that she couldn't change what happened, or how she felt about it. But she could choose her perspective on the rest of the day. Julia's 4. I don't know if she got that or not, but I hope if I keep saying it one day she will. I hope so, because in my experience its alot harder to learn this principal at 29 than I imagine it would be at 4.

That's the other key. "Do as I say, not as I do". We all know it doesn't work, right? So this means I have to model this behavior. In the car when drivers pull out in front of me. Or when the light turns red when I'm already running late. When the dog runs through the house with muddy feet. When I try to carry too much to from the car, and drop of all things, the eggs. When I just can't seem to get the recipe right. When my kids won't stop whining. When my husband is running late from work. When my finances don't add up like I want them to. When I feel like I'm working too hard for too little. When I'm sick. When I'm tired. When I have PMS. (BTW, If any of you figure this one out, please let me in on this.) I guess the point is that I can't cuss someone out under my breath (just an example, not that I really do this....) and then lovingly tell my little children to "have a happy heart."

I have been meditating on this. What does the word say about having a happy heart? Here are some of the passages that have captivated me:
2 Corinthians 6
3 We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, 4 but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, 5 beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; 6 by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; 7 by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; 8 through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; 9 as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; 10 as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

Proverbs 15
30 The light of the eyes rejoices the heart,
and good news refreshes [1] the bones.

And about the dreaded proverbs 31 woman:
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Notice that it didn't say, she obsesses in angst and worry planning the time to come as it would have if it were written about me.

So, I'm trying to learn to choose a happy heart right along with my kiddos. Me and Jules and Noah. Anyone want to join us?