Falling Deeply....

I remember the early days... The very beginning of my fairy tale, when I told My Love that I felt like I was falling.... As weightless as the leaves that fell from the trees, suspended, and guided, floating on breezes and gusts that make the branches dance. I remember seeing life through lenses of wonder- amazed by every season...

Slowly my appreciation for wonder ceased, as I took on the weight on responsibility of my new roles. Wife, Mommy, Budget Balancer, House Keeper... The list goes on and on. Can you hear the choruses of"Cinderella Cinderella night and day it's Cinderella". Here's the thing though.... It's impossible to be weightless and full of wonder when you voluntarily carry the weight of your world on your shoulders. And it's a crushing weight. A soul crushing weight. It's a blinding weight- robbing your perspective of all that is full of beauty... How is it that the beginning of the Fairy Tale was full of wonder, energizing tummy jitters, and delight- but that the reality of our life together has become full of to do lists, and frets, and worries and fears? Where is the line between wisdom and fear? When did I surrender my appreciation for all that was wonderful and trade it in for my perceived grasp on reality?

I'm trading it back. This weekend, I saw grains of sand individually falling from my baby's grasp, and I was as full of amazement as she. I saw a tapestry of clouds in a masterpiece of sky outlining a Carolina sound, and though- "God must have had quite a time designing that one." I saw the brilliant gleam of sun, outlining those same clouds on its way down, sinking sinking, seemingly right into the sound- giving way to a big bright moon, and it's stars that surround it. I felt the gusts when fall came. Not gently this time, but abruptly and determinedly taking its rightful place.... Soon leaves will turn, and then fall... And I want to fall with them. Deeply and gracefully in to the arms of a Loving God, full of wonder...

So, I surrender. I surrender the roles, the responsibilities... I'm wiggling out from underneath the weight of what was never mine to carry.... and I'm falling, little by little, day by day....

The Eye of the Storm

"The eye is a region of mostly calm weather found at the center of strong tropical cyclones. The eye of a storm is a roughly circular area and typically 30–65 km (20–40 miles) in diameter. It is surrounded by the eyewall, a ring of towering thunderstorms where the most severe weather of a cyclone occurs. The cyclone's lowest barometric pressure occurs in the eye, and can be as much as 15% lower than the atmospheric pressure outside the storm.^[1]In strong tropical cyclones, the eye is characterized by light winds and clear skies, surrounded on all sides by a towering, symmetric eyewall." Wikipedia...

We recently experienced Hurricane Irene. We were about due for a Hurricane, it'd been nearly eight years since Isabelle had ripped through Hampton Roads leaving a pile of destruction and a river where Poquoson used to be. We've observed the natural disasters around the world with shock and awe. Tearful prayers, and sighs of relief that our little area has largely been spared. It appeared that this time, we wouldn't be. Calling for a powerful Category 3 near direct hit, we braced ourselves for what seemed to be our turn. In anticipation of the storm the Military packed up its millions of dollars of ships and jets, and the Sailors and Soldiers, and Airmen that man them. Schools closed, bottles of water and canned goods flew off of the shelves at record speed. Gasoline was hard to come by- and all hatches were battened. And we waited. We didn't have to wait long- I woke up that first morning to no power. (Shoot, should have run the dishwasher last night!) The kids thought it was an adventure, and in a sense it was. We checked the news and media reports at regular, but limited times so as to conserve battery power. We kept our family on the first floor far away from the ominous Oak which seemed to be our biggest threat. We played board games, and sang songs, and rolled around on the floor. I took a mental break from work. All day the media seemed to predict that it would be worst during the time when the eye past over us- but that was not the case. When the eye past over it was eerily calm... We celebrated that the worst had past, and it was so much lighter than expected. We grieved with the local families that did suffer devastating loss from trees and wind, fell asleep thinking that the worst was over. Except that it wasn't. When the outer rung came through, it was gustier than it had been all day. I lie awake, surrounded by my family wondering if we were in the middle of a tornado warning, but having no way to check since we were still without power... In retrospect the Eye was just as Wikipedia described it- a break, surrounded and protected by Dangerous threatening storms. As the Eye moved north, the southern band of it's wall ripped though our cities, taking trees with it...

Sometimes I think life is just like that... You prepare for what you think is the worst- and are sometimes surprised when it turns out a bit different. You then feel unprepared for the outer ring- Nevertheless the path to overcoming seems to be right through the Eye Of the Storm. For in the center of the swirling, violent, dangerous wind and rain is a place of calm and peace. A hiatus so to speak.. Sometimes I think that fear encourages us to go around it, but what surrounds the eye is often the most destructive.

So I'm choosing to walk headfirst- straight through the storms in my life....No matter how terrifying or painful they are- because I know that He provides rest for the weary, and protection for the weak. I know that He give glimpses of hope right in the middle of the fight... and so, I walk on....