The Storms....

I'm not much for gardening.  In fact, the past few years have been packed so full of, well honestly surviving that I haven't given much thought.  I guess that's not true.  I've given it a lot of thought.  I have books, and read blogs, and have recently added two square foot garden boxes full of "miracle mix"  but I haven't taken the time to plant.  Partially because it seems a bit late in the season, and partially because I'd rather not try than fail at something.  It's an age old weakness of mine- when I'm not absolutely convinced of my ability to succeed, sometimes I just don't even try.  Anyhoo- I do have a small flower spot in front of my front porch.  A few years ago my handsome husband hooked some overgrown shrubs to the back of the wrangler and pulled those suckers right out of the ground.  In the space that remained we planted some dwarf shrubs, colorful plants, lilies, and three of my most favorite flower of all- hydrangeas.  I absolutely hate weeding that flower box.  I get itchy, and dirty, and the weeds seem endless no matter how often I do it.  They are strong, and seemingly strategically placed so that they entwine themselves in the beauty that is my garden.

We've had a lot of storms this year....  Thunder that rolls so much that the pictures on my walls rattle and shake.  Lightning so electrifying that it illuminates the sky all around in a big splendor of majesty.  Driving wind, and rain so plentiful that it pools in the streets and the gutters can't keep up.  I like summer storms.  They seem big and powerful keep the earth around me from being so dry in the oppressive heat.  My children however, especially my furry one, do not like the storms.  They are frightened in the midst.  We do our best to comfort them, and assure them that we are safe inside our home, the peaceful dwelling where we abide.  However when a storm is so big it shakes the walls of your home, it threatens your security.

It's a lot like that with spiritual storms too...  Emotional crisis, unyielding grief, and suffering loss that seem to shake the literal walls of our soul.  The devastating things in life that we we grapple and struggle with and don't know how to process.  The fear, and the rage that swirl around us in the aftermath sometimes of unspeakable pain.... It takes our breath away, and if we are honest, we are shaken... and frightened in the midst.

We had one of those storms today.  We drove through it, barely making it to the car before the heavens opened and the rain poured down.  The thunder crashed and lighting was visible even in the light of day. The clouds were ominous.  It poured and poured.  The dog trembled... the walls shook and the rain came down.  In the aftermath, when the sky was dry and all was quiet there was evidence of the storm.  Scattered debris, and the ground all around was saturated.  My grass is enjoying the rain.  Even in the midst of storms, life grows... The tree we thought for sure was dead has produced beautiful flowers. I reached down and grabbed a tall weed in my flowerbed.  Without any effort at all, it came up- roots and all taking with it rich deep soil, which was loose from all the rain. I was amazed.  I pulled one after another, weeds that just days ago seemed firmly cemented in the soil, marking their rightful place my garden came up without any struggle at all, they surrendered their place amongst the flowers.

I thought about the storms in my life, and the lives of those I love.  The unexplainable losses, the grief, the tears, the threats and the fears.  And I  wondered.... could those storms loose the deep bitter roots in my spirit?  The unbelief, the independence, the pride, the un-forgiveness.  The roots that grow deep, and expertly in the soil of my soul.  The strategic root systems that steal the sun, the nourishment, the living water that choke the life out of my spirit just like the weeds in my garden.....  Can the very storms that cause me struggle set me free?  Because the storms don't plant the weeds, and if I let them, they might just till the ground enough to uproot them.  If I let the moment pass, they just give life to the very things that seek to destroy me....

I want to be like a tree.... who's roots grow deep and are not threatened.  Who will stand strong in the midst of the storms... because, while we're on this side of heaven, the thunder will surely roll.

³ He is like a tree planted beside streams of water^[d]
that bears its fruit in season^[e] 
and whose leaf does not wither. 
Whatever he does prospers.
Psalm 1:3 HCSB

Falling Deeply....

I remember the early days... The very beginning of my fairy tale, when I told My Love that I felt like I was falling.... As weightless as the leaves that fell from the trees, suspended, and guided, floating on breezes and gusts that make the branches dance. I remember seeing life through lenses of wonder- amazed by every season...

Slowly my appreciation for wonder ceased, as I took on the weight on responsibility of my new roles. Wife, Mommy, Budget Balancer, House Keeper... The list goes on and on. Can you hear the choruses of"Cinderella Cinderella night and day it's Cinderella". Here's the thing though.... It's impossible to be weightless and full of wonder when you voluntarily carry the weight of your world on your shoulders. And it's a crushing weight. A soul crushing weight. It's a blinding weight- robbing your perspective of all that is full of beauty... How is it that the beginning of the Fairy Tale was full of wonder, energizing tummy jitters, and delight- but that the reality of our life together has become full of to do lists, and frets, and worries and fears? Where is the line between wisdom and fear? When did I surrender my appreciation for all that was wonderful and trade it in for my perceived grasp on reality?

I'm trading it back. This weekend, I saw grains of sand individually falling from my baby's grasp, and I was as full of amazement as she. I saw a tapestry of clouds in a masterpiece of sky outlining a Carolina sound, and though- "God must have had quite a time designing that one." I saw the brilliant gleam of sun, outlining those same clouds on its way down, sinking sinking, seemingly right into the sound- giving way to a big bright moon, and it's stars that surround it. I felt the gusts when fall came. Not gently this time, but abruptly and determinedly taking its rightful place.... Soon leaves will turn, and then fall... And I want to fall with them. Deeply and gracefully in to the arms of a Loving God, full of wonder...

So, I surrender. I surrender the roles, the responsibilities... I'm wiggling out from underneath the weight of what was never mine to carry.... and I'm falling, little by little, day by day....

The Eye of the Storm

"The eye is a region of mostly calm weather found at the center of strong tropical cyclones. The eye of a storm is a roughly circular area and typically 30–65 km (20–40 miles) in diameter. It is surrounded by the eyewall, a ring of towering thunderstorms where the most severe weather of a cyclone occurs. The cyclone's lowest barometric pressure occurs in the eye, and can be as much as 15% lower than the atmospheric pressure outside the storm.^[1]In strong tropical cyclones, the eye is characterized by light winds and clear skies, surrounded on all sides by a towering, symmetric eyewall." Wikipedia...

We recently experienced Hurricane Irene. We were about due for a Hurricane, it'd been nearly eight years since Isabelle had ripped through Hampton Roads leaving a pile of destruction and a river where Poquoson used to be. We've observed the natural disasters around the world with shock and awe. Tearful prayers, and sighs of relief that our little area has largely been spared. It appeared that this time, we wouldn't be. Calling for a powerful Category 3 near direct hit, we braced ourselves for what seemed to be our turn. In anticipation of the storm the Military packed up its millions of dollars of ships and jets, and the Sailors and Soldiers, and Airmen that man them. Schools closed, bottles of water and canned goods flew off of the shelves at record speed. Gasoline was hard to come by- and all hatches were battened. And we waited. We didn't have to wait long- I woke up that first morning to no power. (Shoot, should have run the dishwasher last night!) The kids thought it was an adventure, and in a sense it was. We checked the news and media reports at regular, but limited times so as to conserve battery power. We kept our family on the first floor far away from the ominous Oak which seemed to be our biggest threat. We played board games, and sang songs, and rolled around on the floor. I took a mental break from work. All day the media seemed to predict that it would be worst during the time when the eye past over us- but that was not the case. When the eye past over it was eerily calm... We celebrated that the worst had past, and it was so much lighter than expected. We grieved with the local families that did suffer devastating loss from trees and wind, fell asleep thinking that the worst was over. Except that it wasn't. When the outer rung came through, it was gustier than it had been all day. I lie awake, surrounded by my family wondering if we were in the middle of a tornado warning, but having no way to check since we were still without power... In retrospect the Eye was just as Wikipedia described it- a break, surrounded and protected by Dangerous threatening storms. As the Eye moved north, the southern band of it's wall ripped though our cities, taking trees with it...

Sometimes I think life is just like that... You prepare for what you think is the worst- and are sometimes surprised when it turns out a bit different. You then feel unprepared for the outer ring- Nevertheless the path to overcoming seems to be right through the Eye Of the Storm. For in the center of the swirling, violent, dangerous wind and rain is a place of calm and peace. A hiatus so to speak.. Sometimes I think that fear encourages us to go around it, but what surrounds the eye is often the most destructive.

So I'm choosing to walk headfirst- straight through the storms in my life....No matter how terrifying or painful they are- because I know that He provides rest for the weary, and protection for the weak. I know that He give glimpses of hope right in the middle of the fight... and so, I walk on....

Blessed

It was a fairy tale wedding.... As the sun broke the horizon welcoming a new day you could feel the magic in the air. The birds were singing, bells were ringing, in a perfect little church on a glorious summery-fall day. I married the man of my dreams, literally.... The one who occupied my mind, my heart for so long. The one I thought out of my reach who somehow managed to wait for me, to find me, and to love me back.... I wore a dress that made me feel like a princess and picked out so many love songs you might have mistaken the ceremony for a concert (including a serenade by the groom.) I remember being surrounded by tulle (probably the last year tulle was still "in") and purple hydrangeas, and despite all the many people who came to celebrate with us, I can barely remember anybody but him..... We danced, we laughed, we cried, we dreamed.... It was a fairy tale wedding, and a fairy tale beginning... We were embarking on the rest of our life where unseen wonders awaited us. Maybe challenges too, but we could take them. Together we could face anything life could throw at us. You couldn't break a love like ours.

Fast forward ten years... We hit the snooze on the iphone a few more times than we should have... I groggily rolled over to wake my sleepy first grader and persuade her to get dressed. I dragged myself to the bathroom to wash my face and marveled at my disheveled appearance. My favorite tee shirt, fifteen years old, sweat pants, remnants of yesterdays mascara beneath my eyes... Hair that needs doing, not just fixing, but doing! And the fifteen extra pounds left over from my seven week old. Yep. I'm a hottie.... "Happy Anniversary, Baby" Brian greeted me. Oh yeah. That's today... What did I give my prince charming? A head cold...

Over breakfast making, pony tail doing, lunch packing, I thought about our wedding day. I thought about our honey moon. I thought about all we dreamed about, and all we've achieved. In spite of the sweats, (Which I don't wear every day, just for the record.)the pounds,and the craziness.... our life is my dream come true.

We've been blessed with a beautiful home that fits our family perfectly. We're surrounded by friends and neighbors we enjoy relationship with... We have filled our home, our hearts and lives with the laughter of our children, smiles and coos of a newborn, a psycotic Australian Shepherd with whom we have a love/hate relationship. A finicky feline, and a bored chinchilla who is currently entertaining herself by eating her wheel. He spends his days challenging, inspiring and supporting tomorrow's leaders. I spend my days shuttling kids to school, swimming, soccer and ballet (yes in my sexy swagger waggon). And I occasionally work in a house sale here and there :) We spend our evenings bathing babies, reading stories, packing lunches and passing out on the couch over books.... And you know what, we are exactly where I wanted us to be ten years ago.

Sometimes I get so busy surviving my life, and making it through each day that I forget how much I love it. I love the crazy, chaotic existence that is ours. I love the smiles that come with the spit up, and the the mess.... I love the laughter that comes from my kids when they are playing. I love our home even spite of all the repairs it's had and still needs. I even love, really love the minivan.

And we were right, we've had challenges. Difficulties and hardships, and loss that threatened us to our very core. We we have faced them together, stayed committed to our family, to each other, and to our vows. And we have been blessed. Blessed by a God who has honored our commitment. Blessed beyond our expectations. Blessed in spite of our challenges...

Thank you Brian for the last ten years... for all you've given me. For encouraging me, challenging me and loving me unconditionally. I can't wait for the rest of our unforeseen wonders, and watching the rest of our story unfold....

This song probably says it best...

Blessed By Martina McBride


I get kissed by the sun
Each morning
Put my feet on a hardwood floor
I get to hear my children laughing
Down the hall through the
Bedroom door
Sometimes I sit on my
Front porch swing
Just soaking up the day
I think to myself, I think to myself
This world is a beautiful place

I have been blessed
And I feel like I’ve found my way
I thank God for all I’ve been given

At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones
That love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

Across a crowded room,
I know you know what I’m thinking
By the way I look at you
And when we’re lying in the quiet and
No words have to be said
I think to myself, I think to myself
This love is a beautiful gift


When I’m singing my kids to sleep
When I feel you holding me
I know

I have been blessed...

Expansion

So it's been a while.... It's not that I haven't thought about blogging. Not that I haven't had things to say... I guess maybe I jut wasn't ready to say them. I'm not usually an internal processor, but in the last few months I have taken a page right out of the introvert handbook. I'll try to sum it up now, because I feel like I'm ready to take my head out of the sand and share what's been going on with me, and with the Larson Family.

Fall of 09 brought with it structure and change and delightful consistency. Julia flourished in her Kindergarten class at Summit Christian Academy. It was such an answer to prayer to put her in that school, and to be able to afford it. We felt settled and at peace. She made friends, established good patterns and things went well!

Noah started preschool with a bang. In fact, he didn't even kiss me goodbye that first day. Just ran in the class asking about dinosaurs and barely waved. I decided that he was well adjusted, instead of poorly bonded. At least that's what I told myself when watched all of the other two year olds clutching nervously to their mother's thighs. Well adjusted, that's what we are....

I took advantage of the time away from the kids to further my Real Estate career. It was off with a bang. The thing I never set out to do, kind of fell in my lap and I was good at it. Great at it. And more than that, I loved it!

Brian's job was running like clockwork, things were great, it was a well oiled machine, my life that is. We took the kids camping and to Busch Gardens to ride roller coasters and I began to celebrate their growth. They were real people, with real personalities, interests, we were having fun! Gone were the days of sickness and struggle. We were working our way toward financial freedom, independence, growing as a family, growing spiritually. We were on a train.

Then my train jumped tracks.... On November 16, Brian's birthday we found out that our family was growing.... In just 9 short months, we would become a family of five. I was shocked, to say the least. So was Brian, I mean, what a birthday present! In retrospect, there were signs, little signals where my gracious Heavenly Father was preparing my heart, and turning it more towards my family... Signs that he was expanding my territory. But I was still caught off guard. It took a while to get used to the idea. A while to feel pregnant and not just sick... a while adjust.

In April, when we found out that we were having a sweet baby girl, my excitement grew. As much as I love my rough and tumble man cub, I was excited to have a teeny tiny princess again. And so excited for my Julia, who's prayers had been heard and affirmatively answered, she's wanted a sister for several years. We bought pink, and looked at nursery decor, and began to prepare, but I still somehow could not picture another baby...

I felt her moving, noticed that she seemed to like to dance to music, became accustomed to our nightly routine of ice-cream and play time... But I still couldn't picture me with a new baby. She grew. I grew. It was obvious to the world that our family was growing, quite literally before their eyes and still when I closed my eyes to imagine my angel, I just couldn't...

We named her. Prayed over her, welcomed her... but I just couldn't seem to wrap my brain around her arrival....

Until she arrived. God blessed me with the most amazing labor and delivery. It was short and sweet, and I was surrounded by my supportive husband and best friends who coached me through, laughed me through, and cried me through every emotional moment... Hannah Joy came out with a burst of tears, just the right amount for a great apgar score, and was quickly quieted down. When the chaos and aftermath was over... when all was quiet and calm.... when Brian brought our new baby over to me I was unprepared again. Unprepared for the emotion. Unprepared for the literal, almost physical expansion of my heart and capacity to love. Unprepared for the immediate rush of deep deep love for this baby, who up until that moment I couldn't imagine, and after that moment, I couldn't remember my life without her....

Her sweet silky hair, her perfect rosebud lips, her dark and lovely eyes.... Hannah is perfect. All six pounds eleven ounces of her... She came out ready to be in the world, ready to be in my home, and ready to take her place in my heart.... And I'm so grateful. Grateful for a God who knew, even though I didn't that my family wasn't complete. Grateful for this precious gift who I could not have been without. Grateful for my charming children who love and adore their little sister. Grateful for a husband, who is also an amazing father...

Every baby has been wonderful. But this baby, as most surprises are, is uniquely special...She took my breath away. For me, with my love for planning and preparedness, I'm often tough to surprise. And I'm okay with that... But this surprise, not just of having her, but of how I felt when I did, this will be one of those life changing moments that I will remember forever.

So welcome to our world Hannah Joy. Welcome to our family, to our home, to our life. You are bringing Grace, and Joy, and balance with you.... And we are treasuring every moment of it....

Come, Let us Adore Him....

Gift giving is not my love language... period. I mean, I'm not horrible at it. I think... It's just, I'm not GREAT at it. It's not something that comes natural to me, it's not a natural expression of how I feel towards someone, or an indicator of how well I know them. I think that my sensitivities tend to pick up other things... details, or little clues as to what could be the perfect gift- are almost completely unobserved- at least by me. I know people who are wonderful gift givers- my husband and one of my best friends just to name a few. They always have something in mind. They delight in the process of giving- from the acquisition of the gift, to the presentation, and last of all to the actual moment when the suspense has been built and all of their thoughtfulness and time spent will be revealed to their recipient, and that person will feel loved and blessed. Even though I've seldom experienced that side of the coin, I'm not going to lie- I look forward to being on the receiving end of their love language. It's delightful. A home run every time!
This year.... this year was a little different. Finally nine and a half years into marriage I figured out that my lovely husband gives gifts as he wishes to receive them... and I challenged myself to think out side the box. Outside of the box I did.... outside of the car, outside of the living room, I came up with the jackpot of presents and was soooo thrilled to give it away. I was more excited about the anticipation of this then ever before... The preparation, the thrill of the suspense- the moment when all of my effort, and love and reflection all packaged up in a little tiny box were waiting to be exposed.... I held my breath....
Please adore my gift.... Please see that my heart is in that box, just waiting to be received and adored...
It made me think about another gift, another giver. A gift that came packaged in swaddling cloths, and was born in a smelly barn, because no one had prepared for his arrival. No one made room... and except for the army of heavenly hosts, a few observant sheep herders, and a few wise men who's hearts were turned towards heaven.... the world missed it in that moment. Sometimes the world still misses it today.
Was God waiting with anticipation for the humanity to receive the greatest gift of all time. Was He sitting on the edge of the world saying: "Please adore Him.. Please don't miss this, please adore that I wrapped my heart my self up in a little tiny miracle who will one day save the world..."
That's what it's all about, isn't it? That we give and receive symbolically and in memory of the greatest gift ever given, the greatest sacrifice ever made... so that we could have life, and life abundantly..... So, come... Let's Adore Him....

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Transition...

I can feel it.... It's in the air.... the faint breeze.... of change. I think I get this way each year right about this time. All reflective and expectant. But this year it's a little different. I'm a little more reflective. And a little more expectant, come to think. I feel like 2010 is going to be a big one for the Larson family. 2008 was about tearing down, 2009 about rebuilding, and 2010? 2010 is going to usher in a whole new season. I'm gearing up.... I'm watching and waiting... With alot of hope and a little trepidation... I'm treasuring my life as it is, desperately trying to be a good steward of what I have... while my territory expands. I'm letting go a little, and holding on tight, all at the same time. Life is a ride- a journey- an adventure- pick your own cliche. Life, it certainly is unpredictable. I guess that is, if you open yourself up to even the slightest of possibilities.