Seemingly Insignigificant Coincidences....

Today I was reading in Esther.... It is amazing to me the story of an orphan, raised by her uncle, who finds herself in the delight of the most powerful man in her life. A man who literally seems to control the fate of her family, and her people.... I read in the commentary that this book almost didn't even make it into the bible... how the lack of spirituality, note of worship, and God's involvement made authorities question its value as a biblical book.... The commenter noted how it seemed that the author deliberately left these aspects out, possibly to depict God's sovereignty even in seemingly insignificant coincidences. There are details in this story that are easily glanced over, but later prove to be heavily weighed actions and determiners.. I guess it just got me thinking about the peaks and valleys in my own life.... Certainly there have been times where God is big, His voice loud, His hand mighty, His presence obvious. But there have also been times where He seems small, hidden, his face behind a cloud, his influence goes largely undetected. It made me wonder about the seemingly insignificant coincidences that go un-noticed, where I might be missing His supremacy... For me, and maybe others that have grown up in a largely charismatic environment, I look to see God in Power and Might, in prophetic words, in supernatural healing and other signs and wonders.... And while I do not wish to take away from the wonder and awesomeness in those moments, I guess I am learning that God is ever present in quiet times too. In sad times, in bad times, He is still sovereign. He is still mighty, He is still piecing together the seemingly insignificant that will ultimately shape who I am. He is still molding me, still forming me, still loving me.... I am learning to look for God not only on the Mountain top, but in the valleys too... In the thick of the mud and the rain and the storms. In the midst of long, seemingly unending paths where I don't know where I am or which way to turn. When things are silent, when I am bored, when I am delighted, when I am content. I don't want to simply exist, I want to experience all He has for me. I want to understand the significance of the details and events that I have dismissed before, and find Him in the midst.... Someday I'll write about how struck I am that this girl, was so honoring and submissive to a King who almost sanctioned the mass destruction of her people. Surely if she can honor, and submit to her husband, there's hope for anyone... even me.

It's Spring!

I really should post a blog.... Dear Lord, its been 2 months since my last post... do I still have readers out there? If so, you should fire me! But thanks for giving me some grace instead.... If you've been following for a while, or if you are brave enough to go back into my previous posts you'll recognize quickly that this winter has been a season of growing and learning. And braking and aching... and I'm sooo grateful for the spring...I'll try to catch you up on the last two months.... I successfully past my Real Estate License exam the second week in March. Whew... I was sweating that like crazy, my fear of failure and perfectionism were really rearing their ugly heads... so, Thank God I passed the first time! After that life got a little, or a lot crazy. Basically in the past month I have sold five houses, and have one active listing. How's that for starting off? Okay okay, so I had an advantage, three years in the industry can teach you alot, but still, I'm thrilled!!! Let me just say that the info I had to learn to pass the test, didn't really teach me a whole lot about getting out in this market, that I am learning as I go. My family is adjusting to my crazy work schedule. My amazing husband has kicked in like crazy and my kiddos are doing swell. We're all working together and gearing up for a season of craziness... but it's just for a season. I have prayed before taking each client, that God would bring me people who needed and were ready to buy houses, and that we would find favor in our house hunting, and He has given me favor. I'm sincerely loving interacting with each family, each person who is looking for a home. I'm thrilled to be a part of the process and to get a chance to be a part of their lives, even if only for a while. I'm learning about rest, more about balance, and alot about appreciation... I have enjoyed the kick-start that this has given me. I'm enjoying the break from learning, reflecting and deep soul searching. I'm enjoying the sunshine, the flowers, the birds songs and the smell of fresh air seeping through my open windows. I'm loving the laughter of my children playing, the new words that Noah is uttering, the concepts that Julia is learning. I love being a family. On this Easter weekend, I'm especially grateful for the Cross. For the Sacrifice that my savior made for me, for Grace and Redemptions, for Eternal Life that conquers death, for the suffering He bore so that I might be set free... I'm being set free.... and I'm so, so grateful....

Safe and Secure....

I long to be safe and secure. In my life, my brokenness tends to present, well a number of different ways.... but one of them is this insatiable drive to keep things as perfect as possible.... I think its because if I can keep my life and those in it inside of a pretty little box, I can manage and minimize potential pain....

There are alot of problems with this type of pain management. The first, and most obvious perhaps to those of you that don't struggle with it, is that its a big fat joke. Managing and minimizing pain isn't possible, you're just trading one type of pain for another, one that you are responsible for. Another major downfall of perfectionism and control is that other people in your life don't seem to like being controlled. Some times you find a personality whose brokenness makes it difficult for them to make decisions and they are, for a time, happy to take orders for you, but as soon as they pursue wholeness: presto, they see you for what you really are.... There really is no joy in this type of existence. You see, for us perfectionist, critical, Type A, achievers, nothing is ever good enough. We live in a state of constant disappointment, using our perception of other peoples failures to ignore our own faults and support the lie, that we can do it better than anybody else. Regardless of what it is....

Eventually, you outgrow the affirmation you once achieved for being capable, able and willing to influence, and are resented, rejected and mad at the world inside your pretty little box.... Thank God. I think its hear when we examine what drives us and what its cost us that we can truly begin to see God's economy and his design for relationships in our lives.

He has called us into relationship with Him. Called us into relationship with others. That certainly guarantees pain. But he is our protector and desires for us to lean into him with our disappointments and sorrows. In the safety of his wing where we are safe and secure, where we learn to cultivate relationships with agape, sacrificial love, there we will find Joy. There we can rest easy. There we can truly be safe and secure.

And we can stop carrying the box and release others into his care as well... Its a sacrifice, but I suspect his way is so much lighter!

Psalm 16
Confidence in the LORD
1 Protect me, God, for I take refuge in You.
2 I [said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You."
3 As for the holy people who are in the land,
they are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who take another [god]
for themselves multiply;
I will not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
and I will not speak their names with my lips.
5 LORD, You are my portion
and my cup [of blessing];
You hold my future.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD who counsels me
even at night my conscience instructs me.
8 I keep the LORD in mind always.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad,
and my spirit rejoices;
my body also rests securely.
10 For You will not abandon me to Sheol;
You will not allow Your Faithful One to see the Pit.
11 You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your presence is abundant joy;
in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.

Faith and Hope... and Love...

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..." Okay, this has been a challenge for me. I'm a tangible kind of person. Okay Okay, I'm a skeptical kind of person. I don't blindly trust anybody. Barely trust many and don't believe in much. I want to examine things, touch them, add the up, and measure them, before I stamp my approval on them. Not so easy to do with things we can't see. Beth Moore in "Believing God" defines hope as Anxious Expectation. I'm realizing that you can't anxiously expect anything if you live in disappointmentville. What I mean is that you can't really be hoping and waiting and expecting and being sure of things to come if you are stuck in the frustration of the things we don't have yet. I'm not really talking about material things like enough money, or clothes or food, though I guess these things could apply. In my life its more a state of peace that I covet. A sense of security, safety, belonging. A sense of love and being loved.... Which brings me to love....
1st Corinthians 13 4 Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited;5 does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrong 6 finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends.
This isn't exactly a new scripture to me, or to you I'll bet. I mean, even hallmark has exploited this one. But when's the last time you looked at it? I mean really looked at it. Who can really do that? In a society where we are taught to protect and cover ourselves, to look out for number one, and make sure we get our needs met, how do we love selflessly? How do we always love patiently and kindly, how do we keep from fault finding and recording? If love bared all things, and endured all things there wouldn't be so much divorce. I tried to look up the stats on divorce and see what the numbers actually were, but I got depressed before I could figure it out. I will say on a brighter note, due to the poor economic situation of our country more and more people are staying together because they can't afford to divorce.

Sorry- I bunny trailed there. But seriously 1 Corinthians 13:13 Says that out of Faith, Hope and Love the greatest of these is love. (Probably because God is Love 1 John 4:16)But can we really love without Hope or Faith? I mean really love. I suggest that the things that hinder us from loving well are our hurts, and our fears of being hurt and disappointed when we make ourselves vulnerable to love. We self protect, seek to meet our own needs for fear someone else won't meet them. Keep track of the wrongs that have been done to us, so that our case for loving poorly is made stronger by their faults. I suggest that since God is love, He's the only one that can love us the way we deserve and desperately need to be loved. The dichotomy in this is that because of our experiences with other people, God bears the brunt of our frustration and disappointment, and we use our hurts to distance ourselves from the only one who can truly heal them.

I think I am learning that even though it will be impossible for me to love perfectly, my only hope of loving well is to receive the love I need from God, and stop expecting other people and things to meet those needs. When I am sure of my anxious expectation to receive love from Him, maybe I'll be able to love well more of the time.

Well, that and I'm abandoning my dwelling place in disappointmentville and resuming my journey towards Anxious Expectation...

I'm tired.

So, as it turns out choosing a happy heart and a good perspective is absolutely exhausting. Can I just be honest for a minute? I'm tired. I'm tired of the process, tired of the journey, tired of choosing peace, tired of pressing in, I'm freakin tired. It's a tall order, I'm a short person. There have been three days this week. I was a grumpy grumperson three days this week. How's that for keeping a record of wrongs? (Is it permitted if it's about you?) So this week was one of those no coffee, birds are silent kind of weeks. We've had drama, late nights, clutter and mess, more messy leaking cloth diapers than I can count, and you know what? I can't even blame it on the weather because it has been absolutely beautiful this week, except I didn't really enjoy it well with my bad attitude... Sorry for the venting and negativity, I'm just trying to be honest here...

Last night I was driving home from working late, and fighting with the cell phone company warranty dpt. (I won, in case you were wondering) reflecting on my miserable day. I was listening to "positive, encouraging, listener supported K-Love" and the DJ promised that whatever kind of day I was having the next songs would be absolutely applicable to me. I rolled my eyes in cynicism. I can't say that the songs really did anything for me, but something did. It was this track of a little boy reading a passage in Isaiah in his innocent voice. He didn't question the words he was reading, he just confidently read them (well, as confidently as a beginning reader can) and spoke them as they were truth. Here's what he said (Isaiah 40:28-31)

28 He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.

30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,

31 but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint. "

The conversation in my heart went something like this.

I'm tired God. That's okay, I never grow tired. I'm feel faint Lord. I understand. I have nothing left Lord. I offer strength to the powerless. I'm stumbling Lord. I will make you soar on eagle's wings. I fell Lord. If you trust in me you will walk and not faint....

So maybe what I'm learning is that in the journey, there's a place for exhaustion. Exhaustion that can not be remedied with that 5th cup of coffee. (Believe me, I've tried) There's a place for the weary. Lord, I'm weary. The Bible tells us not to worry, but then offers us the opportunity to cast our cares on Him. Once again, I've been trusting in my determination. My plan, my stregnth, my faithfulness. And at the end of me and my best, there is only utter dependence on Him. Learning to trust in Him....

A Happy Heart

So I'm on this training kick with my children, teaching them to have a happy heart. It's a phrase I picked up from my church family, one that they use liberally with their children, so if I've heard you say it, thank you.

Teaching your kids how to have a happy heart is an interesting concept. It works well on multiple levels. Julia told Noah the other day that having patience meant waiting with a happy heart. When they experience frustration or difficulty, we encourage them to be real with that emotion, to experience it, and move on. I think the key is to move on. Recently I told Julia that whatever had disappointed her early in the day was legitimately frustrating and difficult. But it was like, 9:00 AM- and if that emotion was allowed to, it would cloud the rest of her day. I explained to her that she couldn't change what happened, or how she felt about it. But she could choose her perspective on the rest of the day. Julia's 4. I don't know if she got that or not, but I hope if I keep saying it one day she will. I hope so, because in my experience its alot harder to learn this principal at 29 than I imagine it would be at 4.

That's the other key. "Do as I say, not as I do". We all know it doesn't work, right? So this means I have to model this behavior. In the car when drivers pull out in front of me. Or when the light turns red when I'm already running late. When the dog runs through the house with muddy feet. When I try to carry too much to from the car, and drop of all things, the eggs. When I just can't seem to get the recipe right. When my kids won't stop whining. When my husband is running late from work. When my finances don't add up like I want them to. When I feel like I'm working too hard for too little. When I'm sick. When I'm tired. When I have PMS. (BTW, If any of you figure this one out, please let me in on this.) I guess the point is that I can't cuss someone out under my breath (just an example, not that I really do this....) and then lovingly tell my little children to "have a happy heart."

I have been meditating on this. What does the word say about having a happy heart? Here are some of the passages that have captivated me:
2 Corinthians 6
3 We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, 4 but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, 5 beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; 6 by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; 7 by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; 8 through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; 9 as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; 10 as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

Proverbs 15
30 The light of the eyes rejoices the heart,
and good news refreshes [1] the bones.

And about the dreaded proverbs 31 woman:
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Notice that it didn't say, she obsesses in angst and worry planning the time to come as it would have if it were written about me.

So, I'm trying to learn to choose a happy heart right along with my kiddos. Me and Jules and Noah. Anyone want to join us?

Empty Nest?

This week we made a decision about where to send Julia to school. I think. We visited several schools, private, magnet, and finally the school we are zoned for. The truth is, I'm not thrilled with any of the options. I'm not feeling directed to home school her and I won't attempt that without being specifically directed. To my surprise we were all (Brian, me and Jules) thrilled with the public school that we are zoned for. It's just a minute from our house, the principal was great, there are bathrooms in her classroom, the teacher looks like a Grandma I could hug and bake cookies with, and they made pink play dough with sparkles!!!!! The teacher (the Grandma looking one) has been referred to us by three separate different people, including Julia's current preschool teacher. (Who by the way, loves my daughter.)

So now, we write a letter, politely ask to be placed in this classroom, and play the game, hope and pray we get the teacher. But I know that if we do it'll be because God has placed Julia in that room, and if not He has someone else for her.

Oddly enough we're doing the same thing for our 20 month old. We are hoping for one of five slots for the preschool where Julia has been since she was two. They can only have six children under two and a half in the building at a time, and I really want Noah to be one of them. He's going to love it. He did not want to leave the classroom he shared with Julia while I met with teachers and the office. He hugged the woman who had been a stranger only an hour before and asked her to keep reading to him. He said "No Mama" when I asked him to go home. Even when I bribed him with juice and chicken nuggets. I didn't know what to feel. Julia's excited about kindergarten. My one year old doesn't want to leave the preschool. I should be happy right?

That my kids are well adjusted, that they do well in social situations. That they detach appropriately and know that I will come back for them. I mean, I am happy. They are all of those things. They are growing they are changing, they are expanding. I'm thrilled. And I'm sad. The bed was just the beginning now I'm signing school paperwork and putting Diego underwear on my baby boy. (who sits on the potty, but so far, that's about it.)

I'm sad, sad because they aren't infants any more. Sad because I'm not the only one that can feed them, sad because not only can other people meet some of their needs, but they should. I have to share them with the world. I have to trust them to my God. Am I ready? Are they?

At least in this stage of our life, where we are right now, I still work. I'm not a full time stay at home Mom. Some days my job requires hours at a time of my time and my kids are so good about going with the flow, but really, they get bored. They need more than I can give. That's hard for me to come to grips with. But this is good. I think. This is the right step. I think. I trust God. I think.

I know that I am probably over processing. This is a small step. But it's also a big step, the next step where we walk into the unknown and trust our Heavenly Father to light our path, guide feet, and care for us. For me, that's a really big step.