Its Friday!!!

This week has been one of those weeks where you feel like you're spinning your wheels. Climbing out of quicksand, and trying to win a race while dragging a big weight....You know the kind. Every effort seems produce few results. But you keep spinning, climbing and running. Because what other choice is there? This is what perseverance is all about. This is the stuff that strong character is made of. Choosing to plug in when it's easy to check out. Choosing to press on towards the prize even if it seems there's no way you'll ever reach it. Put up or shut up, sink or swim... so many cliches revolve around this concept. The part I struggle with probably has something to do with my high value for justice, fairness and logic. If you work hard you should bear fruit, right? Not always.... Or maybe I should say not immediately. Or maybe the fruit you bore was internal and not external. Like watering a peach tree in the hot hot sun and growing a pear. So- I surrender my need for predictability, and my desired response, and look to see what kind of fruit grows. Maybe I'll learn to like surprises...

One step at a time...

After a family fun weekend at Water Country USA, lets just say I became shockingly aware of my age. And my level of fit-ness. Or lack thereof. Now, thankfully Water Country isn't exactly a place where the gods and goddesses of beauty hang out where people can admire them while eating turkey legs and ice cream. I didn't feel out of place, but walking around in a bathing suit with perfect strangers for a day will give you some perspective. It's not just about appearance anyway. But, about how I felt... I was breathless... I was tired. I wanted to lay on the lounge chairs instead of giving my kids another piggy back swim... Good grief, I thought, I'm getting old. Suddenly it was like an alarm went off in my scull. At this point I am officially closer to 30 than I am to 29. And you know what? There's alot I don't mind about that. Considering the alternative to aging is well, dying, I am grateful to have another birthday. Also, on a serious note, I like who I am and my life a whole lot better than who and where I was at 20. It's reasonable to think I will only refine as time goes by. Like a fine wine. :) Unless... Unless of course I shrivel up. Like a grape that turns into a raisin... Continue to loose muscle tone and agility. Stop working on my character and give into bitterness. Oh Lord, I don't want to be one of those.... I better start doing something fast. If you have read this blog at all, you know I have been pretty diligent about my heart. But let's be honest, I've been pretty negligent about the physical aspect of aging.... So, I approached my 40 something neighbor, who is officially a hot mom, I swear, she gardens in a bikini and nobody minds. She walks every morning. Every morning. Unless it's raining. Even in the winter. She's a fanatic. And she has more energy than anybody else I know. I asked if I could join her. Absolutely! She invited me warmly, be at the corner at 5:00 AM. Crap. 5:00 AM? It's not even light out then. Is that safe? But I found myself nodding in agreement and spending the rest of the evening going between dread, and maybe a little excitement? My alarm when off at 4:45. For a second I thought it was a mistake. I thought of a million reasons to stay in bed. And then I got up. I harnessed my crazy Australian Shepherd who craves exercise, and walked out on the porch. After just a minute, my neighbor came walking up. Well not really walking. Is there a word for the pace that comes just before jogging? Wogging, perhaps? Oh, well, too late to turn back now. My neighbor explained that she meets two other woman along the mile long loop that is our neighborhood. Only one would join us today, we'd walk the loop twice and then she'd run for three more miles. Wow. I was about to be shamed by two woman a little less than twice my age. I hoped they wouldn't talk to me. If I could avoid speaking it wouldn't be obvious how out of breath I was. No such luck. These were friendly neighbors. Closing in on that first mile, I could see my house. It looked like a haven all dewy and glowing by porch light in the morning dusk... Seriously, even though it badly needs to be power washed and landscape, it had never looked more beautiful. I could stop. Debbie told me when she first started 10 years ago, she couldn't even make it to the stop sign. Of course, right after that she said it's a state of mind and you just have to push through it. My pride and sense of determination and competition kept me going. And you know what? The second mile was easier than the first. Interesting isn't it? Just when I thought I was going to pass out. At that moment between giving up and pressing on, right at the very second I decided to keep wogging- one step at a time, it got just a little easier...

Some Days....

Some days I find time to notice things like a butterfly being blown by the wind... Today was one of those days :). During the busy craziness that is my life my heart smiles just a little when I catch a glimpse of nature, and am left in awe. Can you imagine being so small that a gust of wind would literally send you soaring? I for one can not imagine existing with grace and delicacy of a butterfly, I stumble and fall both literally and figuratively all the time! But for a butterfly who flutters deliberately and carefully I imagine a strong gust of wind would be quite the shock. It made me wonder about the wind in my life.... the elements that have the power to knock me off my feet. Sometimes, I'm knocked to my knees, in prayer and petition... but sometimes I'm laid right out. It seems that in the swirling hectic life I lead, I'm grasping for some stability.... And I think I'm finding it. This season of my life has been one of learning and growing. Two steps forward and one step back, right? All I know is that things that previously would have sent me to the other side, though may sway me, do not hold the power they once did. And, the lapse of time between my deviation and return to my deliberate and careful path is just a little shorter. I think once again, for me, it's about release and surrender. Laying it down, going with the flow, and learning how to ride the wind... and even enjoy it :) I wonder if the butterfly appreciated the boost....

Seemingly Insignigificant Coincidences....

Today I was reading in Esther.... It is amazing to me the story of an orphan, raised by her uncle, who finds herself in the delight of the most powerful man in her life. A man who literally seems to control the fate of her family, and her people.... I read in the commentary that this book almost didn't even make it into the bible... how the lack of spirituality, note of worship, and God's involvement made authorities question its value as a biblical book.... The commenter noted how it seemed that the author deliberately left these aspects out, possibly to depict God's sovereignty even in seemingly insignificant coincidences. There are details in this story that are easily glanced over, but later prove to be heavily weighed actions and determiners.. I guess it just got me thinking about the peaks and valleys in my own life.... Certainly there have been times where God is big, His voice loud, His hand mighty, His presence obvious. But there have also been times where He seems small, hidden, his face behind a cloud, his influence goes largely undetected. It made me wonder about the seemingly insignificant coincidences that go un-noticed, where I might be missing His supremacy... For me, and maybe others that have grown up in a largely charismatic environment, I look to see God in Power and Might, in prophetic words, in supernatural healing and other signs and wonders.... And while I do not wish to take away from the wonder and awesomeness in those moments, I guess I am learning that God is ever present in quiet times too. In sad times, in bad times, He is still sovereign. He is still mighty, He is still piecing together the seemingly insignificant that will ultimately shape who I am. He is still molding me, still forming me, still loving me.... I am learning to look for God not only on the Mountain top, but in the valleys too... In the thick of the mud and the rain and the storms. In the midst of long, seemingly unending paths where I don't know where I am or which way to turn. When things are silent, when I am bored, when I am delighted, when I am content. I don't want to simply exist, I want to experience all He has for me. I want to understand the significance of the details and events that I have dismissed before, and find Him in the midst.... Someday I'll write about how struck I am that this girl, was so honoring and submissive to a King who almost sanctioned the mass destruction of her people. Surely if she can honor, and submit to her husband, there's hope for anyone... even me.

It's Spring!

I really should post a blog.... Dear Lord, its been 2 months since my last post... do I still have readers out there? If so, you should fire me! But thanks for giving me some grace instead.... If you've been following for a while, or if you are brave enough to go back into my previous posts you'll recognize quickly that this winter has been a season of growing and learning. And braking and aching... and I'm sooo grateful for the spring...I'll try to catch you up on the last two months.... I successfully past my Real Estate License exam the second week in March. Whew... I was sweating that like crazy, my fear of failure and perfectionism were really rearing their ugly heads... so, Thank God I passed the first time! After that life got a little, or a lot crazy. Basically in the past month I have sold five houses, and have one active listing. How's that for starting off? Okay okay, so I had an advantage, three years in the industry can teach you alot, but still, I'm thrilled!!! Let me just say that the info I had to learn to pass the test, didn't really teach me a whole lot about getting out in this market, that I am learning as I go. My family is adjusting to my crazy work schedule. My amazing husband has kicked in like crazy and my kiddos are doing swell. We're all working together and gearing up for a season of craziness... but it's just for a season. I have prayed before taking each client, that God would bring me people who needed and were ready to buy houses, and that we would find favor in our house hunting, and He has given me favor. I'm sincerely loving interacting with each family, each person who is looking for a home. I'm thrilled to be a part of the process and to get a chance to be a part of their lives, even if only for a while. I'm learning about rest, more about balance, and alot about appreciation... I have enjoyed the kick-start that this has given me. I'm enjoying the break from learning, reflecting and deep soul searching. I'm enjoying the sunshine, the flowers, the birds songs and the smell of fresh air seeping through my open windows. I'm loving the laughter of my children playing, the new words that Noah is uttering, the concepts that Julia is learning. I love being a family. On this Easter weekend, I'm especially grateful for the Cross. For the Sacrifice that my savior made for me, for Grace and Redemptions, for Eternal Life that conquers death, for the suffering He bore so that I might be set free... I'm being set free.... and I'm so, so grateful....

Safe and Secure....

I long to be safe and secure. In my life, my brokenness tends to present, well a number of different ways.... but one of them is this insatiable drive to keep things as perfect as possible.... I think its because if I can keep my life and those in it inside of a pretty little box, I can manage and minimize potential pain....

There are alot of problems with this type of pain management. The first, and most obvious perhaps to those of you that don't struggle with it, is that its a big fat joke. Managing and minimizing pain isn't possible, you're just trading one type of pain for another, one that you are responsible for. Another major downfall of perfectionism and control is that other people in your life don't seem to like being controlled. Some times you find a personality whose brokenness makes it difficult for them to make decisions and they are, for a time, happy to take orders for you, but as soon as they pursue wholeness: presto, they see you for what you really are.... There really is no joy in this type of existence. You see, for us perfectionist, critical, Type A, achievers, nothing is ever good enough. We live in a state of constant disappointment, using our perception of other peoples failures to ignore our own faults and support the lie, that we can do it better than anybody else. Regardless of what it is....

Eventually, you outgrow the affirmation you once achieved for being capable, able and willing to influence, and are resented, rejected and mad at the world inside your pretty little box.... Thank God. I think its hear when we examine what drives us and what its cost us that we can truly begin to see God's economy and his design for relationships in our lives.

He has called us into relationship with Him. Called us into relationship with others. That certainly guarantees pain. But he is our protector and desires for us to lean into him with our disappointments and sorrows. In the safety of his wing where we are safe and secure, where we learn to cultivate relationships with agape, sacrificial love, there we will find Joy. There we can rest easy. There we can truly be safe and secure.

And we can stop carrying the box and release others into his care as well... Its a sacrifice, but I suspect his way is so much lighter!

Psalm 16
Confidence in the LORD
1 Protect me, God, for I take refuge in You.
2 I [said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You."
3 As for the holy people who are in the land,
they are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who take another [god]
for themselves multiply;
I will not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
and I will not speak their names with my lips.
5 LORD, You are my portion
and my cup [of blessing];
You hold my future.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD who counsels me
even at night my conscience instructs me.
8 I keep the LORD in mind always.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad,
and my spirit rejoices;
my body also rests securely.
10 For You will not abandon me to Sheol;
You will not allow Your Faithful One to see the Pit.
11 You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your presence is abundant joy;
in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.

Faith and Hope... and Love...

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..." Okay, this has been a challenge for me. I'm a tangible kind of person. Okay Okay, I'm a skeptical kind of person. I don't blindly trust anybody. Barely trust many and don't believe in much. I want to examine things, touch them, add the up, and measure them, before I stamp my approval on them. Not so easy to do with things we can't see. Beth Moore in "Believing God" defines hope as Anxious Expectation. I'm realizing that you can't anxiously expect anything if you live in disappointmentville. What I mean is that you can't really be hoping and waiting and expecting and being sure of things to come if you are stuck in the frustration of the things we don't have yet. I'm not really talking about material things like enough money, or clothes or food, though I guess these things could apply. In my life its more a state of peace that I covet. A sense of security, safety, belonging. A sense of love and being loved.... Which brings me to love....
1st Corinthians 13 4 Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited;5 does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrong 6 finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends.
This isn't exactly a new scripture to me, or to you I'll bet. I mean, even hallmark has exploited this one. But when's the last time you looked at it? I mean really looked at it. Who can really do that? In a society where we are taught to protect and cover ourselves, to look out for number one, and make sure we get our needs met, how do we love selflessly? How do we always love patiently and kindly, how do we keep from fault finding and recording? If love bared all things, and endured all things there wouldn't be so much divorce. I tried to look up the stats on divorce and see what the numbers actually were, but I got depressed before I could figure it out. I will say on a brighter note, due to the poor economic situation of our country more and more people are staying together because they can't afford to divorce.

Sorry- I bunny trailed there. But seriously 1 Corinthians 13:13 Says that out of Faith, Hope and Love the greatest of these is love. (Probably because God is Love 1 John 4:16)But can we really love without Hope or Faith? I mean really love. I suggest that the things that hinder us from loving well are our hurts, and our fears of being hurt and disappointed when we make ourselves vulnerable to love. We self protect, seek to meet our own needs for fear someone else won't meet them. Keep track of the wrongs that have been done to us, so that our case for loving poorly is made stronger by their faults. I suggest that since God is love, He's the only one that can love us the way we deserve and desperately need to be loved. The dichotomy in this is that because of our experiences with other people, God bears the brunt of our frustration and disappointment, and we use our hurts to distance ourselves from the only one who can truly heal them.

I think I am learning that even though it will be impossible for me to love perfectly, my only hope of loving well is to receive the love I need from God, and stop expecting other people and things to meet those needs. When I am sure of my anxious expectation to receive love from Him, maybe I'll be able to love well more of the time.

Well, that and I'm abandoning my dwelling place in disappointmentville and resuming my journey towards Anxious Expectation...