I'm tired.

So, as it turns out choosing a happy heart and a good perspective is absolutely exhausting. Can I just be honest for a minute? I'm tired. I'm tired of the process, tired of the journey, tired of choosing peace, tired of pressing in, I'm freakin tired. It's a tall order, I'm a short person. There have been three days this week. I was a grumpy grumperson three days this week. How's that for keeping a record of wrongs? (Is it permitted if it's about you?) So this week was one of those no coffee, birds are silent kind of weeks. We've had drama, late nights, clutter and mess, more messy leaking cloth diapers than I can count, and you know what? I can't even blame it on the weather because it has been absolutely beautiful this week, except I didn't really enjoy it well with my bad attitude... Sorry for the venting and negativity, I'm just trying to be honest here...

Last night I was driving home from working late, and fighting with the cell phone company warranty dpt. (I won, in case you were wondering) reflecting on my miserable day. I was listening to "positive, encouraging, listener supported K-Love" and the DJ promised that whatever kind of day I was having the next songs would be absolutely applicable to me. I rolled my eyes in cynicism. I can't say that the songs really did anything for me, but something did. It was this track of a little boy reading a passage in Isaiah in his innocent voice. He didn't question the words he was reading, he just confidently read them (well, as confidently as a beginning reader can) and spoke them as they were truth. Here's what he said (Isaiah 40:28-31)

28 He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.

30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,

31 but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint. "

The conversation in my heart went something like this.

I'm tired God. That's okay, I never grow tired. I'm feel faint Lord. I understand. I have nothing left Lord. I offer strength to the powerless. I'm stumbling Lord. I will make you soar on eagle's wings. I fell Lord. If you trust in me you will walk and not faint....

So maybe what I'm learning is that in the journey, there's a place for exhaustion. Exhaustion that can not be remedied with that 5th cup of coffee. (Believe me, I've tried) There's a place for the weary. Lord, I'm weary. The Bible tells us not to worry, but then offers us the opportunity to cast our cares on Him. Once again, I've been trusting in my determination. My plan, my stregnth, my faithfulness. And at the end of me and my best, there is only utter dependence on Him. Learning to trust in Him....