The place between faith and fear...

I think I may be having a crisis in faith....This blog is about a month and a half in the making.  The truth is, if I were to be completely transparent, I have been wanting to wait to the end of the story- so that I can be sure it has a happy ending.  However, I honestly feel that maybe the lesson isn't in the ending though, but in the journey. So, here I go, here's the story...

On the morning of November 8th I received an unexpected text message from a dear friend.  This friend isn't the type to use, "Thus Sayith the Lord" frequently, and is careful never to presume spiritual things unless she is confident that God has spoken to her. Perhaps that made the message that much more impacting when she said she felt a nudge from the Lord to share it.   The message was that while driving in a neighborhood about a half hour from our current home, she was burdened for my family and felt that there was a home there for us there in Suffolk. But maybe that's not even the beginning of the story.  Maybe the beginning started in the days preceding that message, when in moments of fatigue from going around familiar mountains I confessed to several good friends.... "I just don't have any hope left".  If you read one of my previous blogs you'll observe that I was wrestling with when to fight and when rest, when to tread water and when to give in to allow God to carry me, and the constant spinning of my own wheels in my own strength had left me breathless, hopeless, and absolutely exhausted. The reality that I didn't even know how to hope anymore was staggering.... I needed a breakthrough.

Back to the text message from my friend.  I'm not anything if not honest, so I'll tell you the truth when I read that message, I laughed. (Sorry T, for my little faith.)  An interesting thing happened when I chuckled, not a happy chuckle, but the silent, bitter chuckle of a cynical worn out soul who has embraced a suspicious and doubting identity...I instantaneously though of the scripture when Sarah laughed at the messengers who prophesied the birth of Isaac. It's such a little passage, but oh so powerful : Genisis 18: 10Then one of them said, “I will return to you about this time next year, and your wife, Sarah, will have a son!”

Sarah was listening to this conversation from the tent. 11Abraham and Sarah were both very old by this time, and Sarah was long past the age of having children. 12So she laughed silently to herself and said, “How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master—my husband—is also so old?”

13Then the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Why did she say, ‘Can an old woman like me have a baby?’ 14Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

15Sarah was afraid, so she denied it, saying, “I didn’t laugh.”

But the LORD said, “No, you did laugh.”

Sarah laughed.  Because she was old, and tired, and hopeless.  Because in the waiting she'd surrendered, not to the loving hand of her Father but instead to doubt and disappointment. Because I don't think of Old Testament stories all that often, I paid particular attention.  I didn't want to doubt.  I wanted to hope.  Something to hope for, Someone to hope in.... So I decided to do a little exploring.

I'm going to try to hit the highlights here and not bore you to death with the details.  (There are alot of them.)  There was a house.  One house, that had come on the market the day before, more than a hundred thousand dollars less than anything else in the neighborhood. It was significantly closer to our families, my office, and a large community of life-long friends who we spend a great deal of time with.  The house is beautiful, and only five years old. It is large, much larger than anything I ever thought I'd live in.  It uniquely addresses so many of our ideal wish list items... It has a sun room off the back that looks into a line of woods,where there will never be another house.  It has an office, for me, with a legitimate door. It has space for a ginormouos play room for my children to spread out and play without cluttering the rest of the home.  There's a second flight of stairs, so that when I wake in wee hours of the morning I'll be able to sneak down the hall far from where the kids sleep and get some time to pray.  It is directly across from a park where I could sit on my porch (it has a beautiful porch) and watch my kids play.  There are sidewalks, and a pier with water where Brian can kayak.  It has a work shop, with electric where Brian can putz around and craft things and and we can still park cars in the garage.  I could go on and on.  This is my dream house.  Everything about it.  I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect home if I'd been given the chance.

It would go fast... I knew that it would. We checked some logistics.  We could afford it.  We could get qualified for it.  Comparables suggested we could get a lot more for my current home than what we could have gotten in the spring when I'd last looked.  There were road blocks.  The seller (it's a foreclosure) was not likely to accept my loan type.  If we got in a bidding war (which was likely) we couldn't go up much.  It needed  some cosmetic work, and foreclosures are as is, so my lender wouldn't likely allow the loan.  If I were representing a client in my situation I'd have advised against pursuing it, because this type of contract wouldn't likely be accepted.   But we put in an offer anyway.  If God was in this, then we were operating in a different set of circumstances.  After two counters, my offer was accepted.  The seller volunteered to pay for bank required repairs. (this nearly never happens).  A half hour after my contract was accepted the seller received three others, but because we got ours in so quickly we never had to compete. 

We began to prepare our current home for sale.  I lamented having to keep my home in "show"condition.  I was worried about some of the things that we needed to take care of.  I was worried about a long market time because of Christmas.  I was worried about making two mortgage payments.  My house sold the day we put it on the market to a site unseen buyer.  We never even had to show it.

It seemed as if God was in this.  As we began to plan, dream, and shop for our new home something happened in my heart.  The place where cynicism had made its home was slowly being eradicated as hope grew.  I began to look forward to a future in our new home.  A fresh start, more space closer to a significant part of our community.  I began to dream again...

There've been ups and downs.  Misfiled rejected deed.  Low appraisal on our current home.  Outstanding documents. (like my commission agreement!)  There, like in all real estate deals, have been places where it could have all fallen apart.  And then there has been the necessary resolution.  I can honestly say that I haven't strived.  Haven't pushed this, haven't pulled strings. I've been faithful, and responsive and done my job as an agent, but it has felt that God has been a step ahead of the whole process.

We're supposed to close today, but I don't think we're going to.  The seller is having trouble clearing the title.  We probably just need a few more days, but the contract ends tomorrow.  I need the seller to sign an extension.  To agree to give us more time.  Especially since the ball is in their court.  

My previous relationship with doubt and suspicion see an opportunity to creep back in.  And I'm in a battle to remain at peace.  Where it seemed such a God thing that my home sold so quickly, now I'm having trouble not thinking that if this doesn't goes through....I'll be homeless.  (It reminds me of the Israelites who wanted so badly out of Egypt but when the down and dirty happened on the journey they just wanted to go back to the familiar, the safe.) 

I woke up in the middle of the night this week scared the whole thing was going to fall apart.  I felt like God said, "If I am for you, who can be against you."  The ball isn't in the seller's court.  My future is in the hands of a loving Father.  I'd like to fast forward and see how this all turns out, but right now, I have to choose to trust Him...

Romans 15:13 "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

It's in my decision to trust that confident hope will overflow.  Not in the certainty of the outcome.  God is good.  He is for my good.  Regardless of what happens.  I'm choosing to trust, and praying for the joy and peace that comes because I trust Him.