Reflections on a Mother's Day....

I'm sitting on my beautiful porch listening to the melodious sounds of bullfrogs and birds... All nostalgic and reminiscing.  Eleven years ago, two houses and four babies ago I sat on another porch. Round, and tired, and excited, and full of anxious expectation. I was waiting... waiting for someone to come and make me a Mama...

Tonight, my swallows are back.  My precious swallows that mean so very much that come each year, and prepare their nest, and they wait too. They are waiting tonight. The pair of them, all snuggled up in the clay nest in the corner of my porch, laying on this year's batch of babies.  They make a good team, taking turns gathering food, prepping the nest, and laying on those eggs.  And when those babies hatch, their friends will come, and help care for them. These swallows live in community... just like me.

Eleven years ago tonight I watched the sun go down and willed my baby to come...  I enjoyed the last Mother's day before my first baby was born, feeling like I was already a Mama, even though my arms were empty.

I don't know why God gives life, and babies when He does. I will always wonder why sometimes He doesn't. I only know that it's not about me, this privilege He's given me to be my children's Mama... It's about them. These precious little children, all cuddled up in their beds upstairs are living out their destiny, and I get the amazing honor to raise them.

So tonight, I'm thinking of my Julia girl.... Thinking about the last minutes I felt her move in my belly, wishing she could stay safe in there forever while simultaneously wishing her out.  I'm thinking about her first cry, her first smile, her first tooth, her first steps, her firsts... and her lasts. I'm thinking about how my baby isn't a baby at all... but a gangly joyful, hopeful girl who is blooming into something far more beautiful than I could have ever hoped for.

I'm thinking of her smile, and her giant heart, and her sense of humor, and her giggle. I'm thinking of her desire to serve, and to love, and to do things with excellence. I'm thinking of her tender heart towards Jesus, and how she is learning who He created her to be.  I'm thinking of her as a big sister, as a daughter, as a friend.

Julia, love.... Happy almost birthday.  Thank you for making me a Mama. Thank you for giving me grace, oh, so much grace, as I struggle to figure out how to be gentle, and patient, and strong all at the same time.  Thank you for gracing our lives and making your Daddy and me a family.  Thank you for being the most amazing big sister I could ever ask for. Thank you for your selflessness. For your tenacity, for your creativity, for your love of people, and nature, and this giant world around you....

I want you to know.... that you have every thing you need, to be exactly who God has called you to be. That you are whole, and complete and His perfect masterpiece.  I want you to know what a joy it is to be your Mother, and how grateful I am to be able to be a part of your life.  I want you to know, that you can have the whole world... And that God's plans for you are big- and that no matter what, your very biggest adventure will be found walking in the center of His will.  I want you to know that you don't have to be afraid. Theres a fine line between fear and wisdom, sometimes wisdom disguises itself as fear. Be bold, and confident, and so very brave- because He goes before you, preparing the way for you.  I want you to laugh... your silvery, bubbly, ginormous laugh that fills a room and is contagious, laughing is the very best possible medicine, exercise, and solution for just about anything. It is impossible to feel exuberant joy and anything else, including pain, anger, etc. at the same time. Choose, joy baby.When you need to, I want you to cry. I want you to feel pain when it comes. I want you to release it in tears, don't keep it bottled up inside. He is faithful to catch your every tear...

I want you to dream big, big dreams. I want you to imagine anything is possible. Take the time to listen to the birds sing, and look at the flowers, and enjoy the world around you. Love well... love so well your heart breaks open expanding it's capacity to love. I want you to own your choices. I want you to choose wisely, and confidently, and walk out the consequences of your decisions.  I want you to never stop learning.  Keep moving forward, but it's okay to reflect back and learn from your experiences.  I want you to enjoy the present. Don't be so driven that you forget to enjoy right where you are.

I want you to sing at the top of your lungs.... I want you to dance. Even when people are watching, I promise they are just wishing they were brave enough to join you. Invite them to. There's freedom in living loudly.  I want you know when to lead, and when to follow, and how to tell the difference.  I want you to jump in puddles, and run till you think your chest might explode, and ride roller coasters, and jump off cliffs into the ocean. I want you to ride your bike so fast it feels like you are flying. I want you to lose count of magical stars.  I want you to see the world.

So, my love. Happy almost birthday.  Thanks for allowing me to be your Mama... you, and your sweet sweet brother and sisters have been my very greatest gifts.