Come, Let us Adore Him....

Gift giving is not my love language... period. I mean, I'm not horrible at it. I think... It's just, I'm not GREAT at it. It's not something that comes natural to me, it's not a natural expression of how I feel towards someone, or an indicator of how well I know them. I think that my sensitivities tend to pick up other things... details, or little clues as to what could be the perfect gift- are almost completely unobserved- at least by me. I know people who are wonderful gift givers- my husband and one of my best friends just to name a few. They always have something in mind. They delight in the process of giving- from the acquisition of the gift, to the presentation, and last of all to the actual moment when the suspense has been built and all of their thoughtfulness and time spent will be revealed to their recipient, and that person will feel loved and blessed. Even though I've seldom experienced that side of the coin, I'm not going to lie- I look forward to being on the receiving end of their love language. It's delightful. A home run every time!
This year.... this year was a little different. Finally nine and a half years into marriage I figured out that my lovely husband gives gifts as he wishes to receive them... and I challenged myself to think out side the box. Outside of the box I did.... outside of the car, outside of the living room, I came up with the jackpot of presents and was soooo thrilled to give it away. I was more excited about the anticipation of this then ever before... The preparation, the thrill of the suspense- the moment when all of my effort, and love and reflection all packaged up in a little tiny box were waiting to be exposed.... I held my breath....
Please adore my gift.... Please see that my heart is in that box, just waiting to be received and adored...
It made me think about another gift, another giver. A gift that came packaged in swaddling cloths, and was born in a smelly barn, because no one had prepared for his arrival. No one made room... and except for the army of heavenly hosts, a few observant sheep herders, and a few wise men who's hearts were turned towards heaven.... the world missed it in that moment. Sometimes the world still misses it today.
Was God waiting with anticipation for the humanity to receive the greatest gift of all time. Was He sitting on the edge of the world saying: "Please adore Him.. Please don't miss this, please adore that I wrapped my heart my self up in a little tiny miracle who will one day save the world..."
That's what it's all about, isn't it? That we give and receive symbolically and in memory of the greatest gift ever given, the greatest sacrifice ever made... so that we could have life, and life abundantly..... So, come... Let's Adore Him....

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Transition...

I can feel it.... It's in the air.... the faint breeze.... of change. I think I get this way each year right about this time. All reflective and expectant. But this year it's a little different. I'm a little more reflective. And a little more expectant, come to think. I feel like 2010 is going to be a big one for the Larson family. 2008 was about tearing down, 2009 about rebuilding, and 2010? 2010 is going to usher in a whole new season. I'm gearing up.... I'm watching and waiting... With alot of hope and a little trepidation... I'm treasuring my life as it is, desperately trying to be a good steward of what I have... while my territory expands. I'm letting go a little, and holding on tight, all at the same time. Life is a ride- a journey- an adventure- pick your own cliche. Life, it certainly is unpredictable. I guess that is, if you open yourself up to even the slightest of possibilities.

Blessed are the....

Poor in spirit.... I have heard pastors, speakers, writers, etc. use this scripture to reference physical need. It has been used to challenge and exhort the Christian community to value the poor. It's been used to discourage the community from despising financial struggle, to find value in need. I think that the truth is we should value the poor and times of need. There are many scriptures that refer to this, but I don't think this is one of them... I looked up the phrase "poor in spirit". I got alot of interpretations but the ones that rang true weren't about physical need at all. Its the "in spirit" part that always threw me... Did it mean blessed are the depressed? Blessed are those that feel empty in spirit? That didn't seem right.... I dug a little deeper, searched in the amplified and came across the phrase "not self sufficient..." What does it mean to not be self sufficient? Dependent.... If I can't accomplish or supply is on my own effort, than I am depended on God to provide it.... I think the thing that is so interesting about this idea is that it defines a core value of Christianity and theology is grace by faith.... If the kingdom of heaven is promised to those who are dependent on God for their spiritual security, than it's likely to think they have figured out, there's just no way to earn it... We are no longer under the law for the purpose of attaining atonement through rituals, tradition, and effort. We are not responsible for our spirituality by finding inner peace, or creating fulfillment with our own ability, or even pure state of mind... This theology is in direct contrast to the modern message of society today. Control your own destiny.... Create object boards.... Throw out into the universe what you want and it will come back to you... Name it and Claim it.... Just call things that aren't as though they were.... Be independent, strong self sufficient. Don't let anybody hold you back, or keep you down. Don't take no for an answer. The interesting thing is that I think that the point of this small two lined scripture outlines an entirely different way of life.... When we realize that despite our best attempts, we are wholly relying and depending on Him, we are blessed, fulfilled, at peace, happy despite our circumstances, in the knowledge that we are protected, in relationship with our Father, reliant on Him and that have the promise of all eternity with him...

Its Friday!!!

This week has been one of those weeks where you feel like you're spinning your wheels. Climbing out of quicksand, and trying to win a race while dragging a big weight....You know the kind. Every effort seems produce few results. But you keep spinning, climbing and running. Because what other choice is there? This is what perseverance is all about. This is the stuff that strong character is made of. Choosing to plug in when it's easy to check out. Choosing to press on towards the prize even if it seems there's no way you'll ever reach it. Put up or shut up, sink or swim... so many cliches revolve around this concept. The part I struggle with probably has something to do with my high value for justice, fairness and logic. If you work hard you should bear fruit, right? Not always.... Or maybe I should say not immediately. Or maybe the fruit you bore was internal and not external. Like watering a peach tree in the hot hot sun and growing a pear. So- I surrender my need for predictability, and my desired response, and look to see what kind of fruit grows. Maybe I'll learn to like surprises...

One step at a time...

After a family fun weekend at Water Country USA, lets just say I became shockingly aware of my age. And my level of fit-ness. Or lack thereof. Now, thankfully Water Country isn't exactly a place where the gods and goddesses of beauty hang out where people can admire them while eating turkey legs and ice cream. I didn't feel out of place, but walking around in a bathing suit with perfect strangers for a day will give you some perspective. It's not just about appearance anyway. But, about how I felt... I was breathless... I was tired. I wanted to lay on the lounge chairs instead of giving my kids another piggy back swim... Good grief, I thought, I'm getting old. Suddenly it was like an alarm went off in my scull. At this point I am officially closer to 30 than I am to 29. And you know what? There's alot I don't mind about that. Considering the alternative to aging is well, dying, I am grateful to have another birthday. Also, on a serious note, I like who I am and my life a whole lot better than who and where I was at 20. It's reasonable to think I will only refine as time goes by. Like a fine wine. :) Unless... Unless of course I shrivel up. Like a grape that turns into a raisin... Continue to loose muscle tone and agility. Stop working on my character and give into bitterness. Oh Lord, I don't want to be one of those.... I better start doing something fast. If you have read this blog at all, you know I have been pretty diligent about my heart. But let's be honest, I've been pretty negligent about the physical aspect of aging.... So, I approached my 40 something neighbor, who is officially a hot mom, I swear, she gardens in a bikini and nobody minds. She walks every morning. Every morning. Unless it's raining. Even in the winter. She's a fanatic. And she has more energy than anybody else I know. I asked if I could join her. Absolutely! She invited me warmly, be at the corner at 5:00 AM. Crap. 5:00 AM? It's not even light out then. Is that safe? But I found myself nodding in agreement and spending the rest of the evening going between dread, and maybe a little excitement? My alarm when off at 4:45. For a second I thought it was a mistake. I thought of a million reasons to stay in bed. And then I got up. I harnessed my crazy Australian Shepherd who craves exercise, and walked out on the porch. After just a minute, my neighbor came walking up. Well not really walking. Is there a word for the pace that comes just before jogging? Wogging, perhaps? Oh, well, too late to turn back now. My neighbor explained that she meets two other woman along the mile long loop that is our neighborhood. Only one would join us today, we'd walk the loop twice and then she'd run for three more miles. Wow. I was about to be shamed by two woman a little less than twice my age. I hoped they wouldn't talk to me. If I could avoid speaking it wouldn't be obvious how out of breath I was. No such luck. These were friendly neighbors. Closing in on that first mile, I could see my house. It looked like a haven all dewy and glowing by porch light in the morning dusk... Seriously, even though it badly needs to be power washed and landscape, it had never looked more beautiful. I could stop. Debbie told me when she first started 10 years ago, she couldn't even make it to the stop sign. Of course, right after that she said it's a state of mind and you just have to push through it. My pride and sense of determination and competition kept me going. And you know what? The second mile was easier than the first. Interesting isn't it? Just when I thought I was going to pass out. At that moment between giving up and pressing on, right at the very second I decided to keep wogging- one step at a time, it got just a little easier...

Some Days....

Some days I find time to notice things like a butterfly being blown by the wind... Today was one of those days :). During the busy craziness that is my life my heart smiles just a little when I catch a glimpse of nature, and am left in awe. Can you imagine being so small that a gust of wind would literally send you soaring? I for one can not imagine existing with grace and delicacy of a butterfly, I stumble and fall both literally and figuratively all the time! But for a butterfly who flutters deliberately and carefully I imagine a strong gust of wind would be quite the shock. It made me wonder about the wind in my life.... the elements that have the power to knock me off my feet. Sometimes, I'm knocked to my knees, in prayer and petition... but sometimes I'm laid right out. It seems that in the swirling hectic life I lead, I'm grasping for some stability.... And I think I'm finding it. This season of my life has been one of learning and growing. Two steps forward and one step back, right? All I know is that things that previously would have sent me to the other side, though may sway me, do not hold the power they once did. And, the lapse of time between my deviation and return to my deliberate and careful path is just a little shorter. I think once again, for me, it's about release and surrender. Laying it down, going with the flow, and learning how to ride the wind... and even enjoy it :) I wonder if the butterfly appreciated the boost....

Seemingly Insignigificant Coincidences....

Today I was reading in Esther.... It is amazing to me the story of an orphan, raised by her uncle, who finds herself in the delight of the most powerful man in her life. A man who literally seems to control the fate of her family, and her people.... I read in the commentary that this book almost didn't even make it into the bible... how the lack of spirituality, note of worship, and God's involvement made authorities question its value as a biblical book.... The commenter noted how it seemed that the author deliberately left these aspects out, possibly to depict God's sovereignty even in seemingly insignificant coincidences. There are details in this story that are easily glanced over, but later prove to be heavily weighed actions and determiners.. I guess it just got me thinking about the peaks and valleys in my own life.... Certainly there have been times where God is big, His voice loud, His hand mighty, His presence obvious. But there have also been times where He seems small, hidden, his face behind a cloud, his influence goes largely undetected. It made me wonder about the seemingly insignificant coincidences that go un-noticed, where I might be missing His supremacy... For me, and maybe others that have grown up in a largely charismatic environment, I look to see God in Power and Might, in prophetic words, in supernatural healing and other signs and wonders.... And while I do not wish to take away from the wonder and awesomeness in those moments, I guess I am learning that God is ever present in quiet times too. In sad times, in bad times, He is still sovereign. He is still mighty, He is still piecing together the seemingly insignificant that will ultimately shape who I am. He is still molding me, still forming me, still loving me.... I am learning to look for God not only on the Mountain top, but in the valleys too... In the thick of the mud and the rain and the storms. In the midst of long, seemingly unending paths where I don't know where I am or which way to turn. When things are silent, when I am bored, when I am delighted, when I am content. I don't want to simply exist, I want to experience all He has for me. I want to understand the significance of the details and events that I have dismissed before, and find Him in the midst.... Someday I'll write about how struck I am that this girl, was so honoring and submissive to a King who almost sanctioned the mass destruction of her people. Surely if she can honor, and submit to her husband, there's hope for anyone... even me.

It's Spring!

I really should post a blog.... Dear Lord, its been 2 months since my last post... do I still have readers out there? If so, you should fire me! But thanks for giving me some grace instead.... If you've been following for a while, or if you are brave enough to go back into my previous posts you'll recognize quickly that this winter has been a season of growing and learning. And braking and aching... and I'm sooo grateful for the spring...I'll try to catch you up on the last two months.... I successfully past my Real Estate License exam the second week in March. Whew... I was sweating that like crazy, my fear of failure and perfectionism were really rearing their ugly heads... so, Thank God I passed the first time! After that life got a little, or a lot crazy. Basically in the past month I have sold five houses, and have one active listing. How's that for starting off? Okay okay, so I had an advantage, three years in the industry can teach you alot, but still, I'm thrilled!!! Let me just say that the info I had to learn to pass the test, didn't really teach me a whole lot about getting out in this market, that I am learning as I go. My family is adjusting to my crazy work schedule. My amazing husband has kicked in like crazy and my kiddos are doing swell. We're all working together and gearing up for a season of craziness... but it's just for a season. I have prayed before taking each client, that God would bring me people who needed and were ready to buy houses, and that we would find favor in our house hunting, and He has given me favor. I'm sincerely loving interacting with each family, each person who is looking for a home. I'm thrilled to be a part of the process and to get a chance to be a part of their lives, even if only for a while. I'm learning about rest, more about balance, and alot about appreciation... I have enjoyed the kick-start that this has given me. I'm enjoying the break from learning, reflecting and deep soul searching. I'm enjoying the sunshine, the flowers, the birds songs and the smell of fresh air seeping through my open windows. I'm loving the laughter of my children playing, the new words that Noah is uttering, the concepts that Julia is learning. I love being a family. On this Easter weekend, I'm especially grateful for the Cross. For the Sacrifice that my savior made for me, for Grace and Redemptions, for Eternal Life that conquers death, for the suffering He bore so that I might be set free... I'm being set free.... and I'm so, so grateful....

Safe and Secure....

I long to be safe and secure. In my life, my brokenness tends to present, well a number of different ways.... but one of them is this insatiable drive to keep things as perfect as possible.... I think its because if I can keep my life and those in it inside of a pretty little box, I can manage and minimize potential pain....

There are alot of problems with this type of pain management. The first, and most obvious perhaps to those of you that don't struggle with it, is that its a big fat joke. Managing and minimizing pain isn't possible, you're just trading one type of pain for another, one that you are responsible for. Another major downfall of perfectionism and control is that other people in your life don't seem to like being controlled. Some times you find a personality whose brokenness makes it difficult for them to make decisions and they are, for a time, happy to take orders for you, but as soon as they pursue wholeness: presto, they see you for what you really are.... There really is no joy in this type of existence. You see, for us perfectionist, critical, Type A, achievers, nothing is ever good enough. We live in a state of constant disappointment, using our perception of other peoples failures to ignore our own faults and support the lie, that we can do it better than anybody else. Regardless of what it is....

Eventually, you outgrow the affirmation you once achieved for being capable, able and willing to influence, and are resented, rejected and mad at the world inside your pretty little box.... Thank God. I think its hear when we examine what drives us and what its cost us that we can truly begin to see God's economy and his design for relationships in our lives.

He has called us into relationship with Him. Called us into relationship with others. That certainly guarantees pain. But he is our protector and desires for us to lean into him with our disappointments and sorrows. In the safety of his wing where we are safe and secure, where we learn to cultivate relationships with agape, sacrificial love, there we will find Joy. There we can rest easy. There we can truly be safe and secure.

And we can stop carrying the box and release others into his care as well... Its a sacrifice, but I suspect his way is so much lighter!

Psalm 16
Confidence in the LORD
1 Protect me, God, for I take refuge in You.
2 I [said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You."
3 As for the holy people who are in the land,
they are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who take another [god]
for themselves multiply;
I will not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
and I will not speak their names with my lips.
5 LORD, You are my portion
and my cup [of blessing];
You hold my future.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD who counsels me
even at night my conscience instructs me.
8 I keep the LORD in mind always.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad,
and my spirit rejoices;
my body also rests securely.
10 For You will not abandon me to Sheol;
You will not allow Your Faithful One to see the Pit.
11 You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your presence is abundant joy;
in Your right hand are eternal pleasures.

Faith and Hope... and Love...

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..." Okay, this has been a challenge for me. I'm a tangible kind of person. Okay Okay, I'm a skeptical kind of person. I don't blindly trust anybody. Barely trust many and don't believe in much. I want to examine things, touch them, add the up, and measure them, before I stamp my approval on them. Not so easy to do with things we can't see. Beth Moore in "Believing God" defines hope as Anxious Expectation. I'm realizing that you can't anxiously expect anything if you live in disappointmentville. What I mean is that you can't really be hoping and waiting and expecting and being sure of things to come if you are stuck in the frustration of the things we don't have yet. I'm not really talking about material things like enough money, or clothes or food, though I guess these things could apply. In my life its more a state of peace that I covet. A sense of security, safety, belonging. A sense of love and being loved.... Which brings me to love....
1st Corinthians 13 4 Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited;5 does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrong 6 finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth;7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8 Love never ends.
This isn't exactly a new scripture to me, or to you I'll bet. I mean, even hallmark has exploited this one. But when's the last time you looked at it? I mean really looked at it. Who can really do that? In a society where we are taught to protect and cover ourselves, to look out for number one, and make sure we get our needs met, how do we love selflessly? How do we always love patiently and kindly, how do we keep from fault finding and recording? If love bared all things, and endured all things there wouldn't be so much divorce. I tried to look up the stats on divorce and see what the numbers actually were, but I got depressed before I could figure it out. I will say on a brighter note, due to the poor economic situation of our country more and more people are staying together because they can't afford to divorce.

Sorry- I bunny trailed there. But seriously 1 Corinthians 13:13 Says that out of Faith, Hope and Love the greatest of these is love. (Probably because God is Love 1 John 4:16)But can we really love without Hope or Faith? I mean really love. I suggest that the things that hinder us from loving well are our hurts, and our fears of being hurt and disappointed when we make ourselves vulnerable to love. We self protect, seek to meet our own needs for fear someone else won't meet them. Keep track of the wrongs that have been done to us, so that our case for loving poorly is made stronger by their faults. I suggest that since God is love, He's the only one that can love us the way we deserve and desperately need to be loved. The dichotomy in this is that because of our experiences with other people, God bears the brunt of our frustration and disappointment, and we use our hurts to distance ourselves from the only one who can truly heal them.

I think I am learning that even though it will be impossible for me to love perfectly, my only hope of loving well is to receive the love I need from God, and stop expecting other people and things to meet those needs. When I am sure of my anxious expectation to receive love from Him, maybe I'll be able to love well more of the time.

Well, that and I'm abandoning my dwelling place in disappointmentville and resuming my journey towards Anxious Expectation...

I'm tired.

So, as it turns out choosing a happy heart and a good perspective is absolutely exhausting. Can I just be honest for a minute? I'm tired. I'm tired of the process, tired of the journey, tired of choosing peace, tired of pressing in, I'm freakin tired. It's a tall order, I'm a short person. There have been three days this week. I was a grumpy grumperson three days this week. How's that for keeping a record of wrongs? (Is it permitted if it's about you?) So this week was one of those no coffee, birds are silent kind of weeks. We've had drama, late nights, clutter and mess, more messy leaking cloth diapers than I can count, and you know what? I can't even blame it on the weather because it has been absolutely beautiful this week, except I didn't really enjoy it well with my bad attitude... Sorry for the venting and negativity, I'm just trying to be honest here...

Last night I was driving home from working late, and fighting with the cell phone company warranty dpt. (I won, in case you were wondering) reflecting on my miserable day. I was listening to "positive, encouraging, listener supported K-Love" and the DJ promised that whatever kind of day I was having the next songs would be absolutely applicable to me. I rolled my eyes in cynicism. I can't say that the songs really did anything for me, but something did. It was this track of a little boy reading a passage in Isaiah in his innocent voice. He didn't question the words he was reading, he just confidently read them (well, as confidently as a beginning reader can) and spoke them as they were truth. Here's what he said (Isaiah 40:28-31)

28 He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.

30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,

31 but those who trust in the LORD
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint. "

The conversation in my heart went something like this.

I'm tired God. That's okay, I never grow tired. I'm feel faint Lord. I understand. I have nothing left Lord. I offer strength to the powerless. I'm stumbling Lord. I will make you soar on eagle's wings. I fell Lord. If you trust in me you will walk and not faint....

So maybe what I'm learning is that in the journey, there's a place for exhaustion. Exhaustion that can not be remedied with that 5th cup of coffee. (Believe me, I've tried) There's a place for the weary. Lord, I'm weary. The Bible tells us not to worry, but then offers us the opportunity to cast our cares on Him. Once again, I've been trusting in my determination. My plan, my stregnth, my faithfulness. And at the end of me and my best, there is only utter dependence on Him. Learning to trust in Him....

A Happy Heart

So I'm on this training kick with my children, teaching them to have a happy heart. It's a phrase I picked up from my church family, one that they use liberally with their children, so if I've heard you say it, thank you.

Teaching your kids how to have a happy heart is an interesting concept. It works well on multiple levels. Julia told Noah the other day that having patience meant waiting with a happy heart. When they experience frustration or difficulty, we encourage them to be real with that emotion, to experience it, and move on. I think the key is to move on. Recently I told Julia that whatever had disappointed her early in the day was legitimately frustrating and difficult. But it was like, 9:00 AM- and if that emotion was allowed to, it would cloud the rest of her day. I explained to her that she couldn't change what happened, or how she felt about it. But she could choose her perspective on the rest of the day. Julia's 4. I don't know if she got that or not, but I hope if I keep saying it one day she will. I hope so, because in my experience its alot harder to learn this principal at 29 than I imagine it would be at 4.

That's the other key. "Do as I say, not as I do". We all know it doesn't work, right? So this means I have to model this behavior. In the car when drivers pull out in front of me. Or when the light turns red when I'm already running late. When the dog runs through the house with muddy feet. When I try to carry too much to from the car, and drop of all things, the eggs. When I just can't seem to get the recipe right. When my kids won't stop whining. When my husband is running late from work. When my finances don't add up like I want them to. When I feel like I'm working too hard for too little. When I'm sick. When I'm tired. When I have PMS. (BTW, If any of you figure this one out, please let me in on this.) I guess the point is that I can't cuss someone out under my breath (just an example, not that I really do this....) and then lovingly tell my little children to "have a happy heart."

I have been meditating on this. What does the word say about having a happy heart? Here are some of the passages that have captivated me:
2 Corinthians 6
3 We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, 4 but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, 5 beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; 6 by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; 7 by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; 8 through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; 9 as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; 10 as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

Proverbs 15
30 The light of the eyes rejoices the heart,
and good news refreshes [1] the bones.

And about the dreaded proverbs 31 woman:
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Notice that it didn't say, she obsesses in angst and worry planning the time to come as it would have if it were written about me.

So, I'm trying to learn to choose a happy heart right along with my kiddos. Me and Jules and Noah. Anyone want to join us?

Empty Nest?

This week we made a decision about where to send Julia to school. I think. We visited several schools, private, magnet, and finally the school we are zoned for. The truth is, I'm not thrilled with any of the options. I'm not feeling directed to home school her and I won't attempt that without being specifically directed. To my surprise we were all (Brian, me and Jules) thrilled with the public school that we are zoned for. It's just a minute from our house, the principal was great, there are bathrooms in her classroom, the teacher looks like a Grandma I could hug and bake cookies with, and they made pink play dough with sparkles!!!!! The teacher (the Grandma looking one) has been referred to us by three separate different people, including Julia's current preschool teacher. (Who by the way, loves my daughter.)

So now, we write a letter, politely ask to be placed in this classroom, and play the game, hope and pray we get the teacher. But I know that if we do it'll be because God has placed Julia in that room, and if not He has someone else for her.

Oddly enough we're doing the same thing for our 20 month old. We are hoping for one of five slots for the preschool where Julia has been since she was two. They can only have six children under two and a half in the building at a time, and I really want Noah to be one of them. He's going to love it. He did not want to leave the classroom he shared with Julia while I met with teachers and the office. He hugged the woman who had been a stranger only an hour before and asked her to keep reading to him. He said "No Mama" when I asked him to go home. Even when I bribed him with juice and chicken nuggets. I didn't know what to feel. Julia's excited about kindergarten. My one year old doesn't want to leave the preschool. I should be happy right?

That my kids are well adjusted, that they do well in social situations. That they detach appropriately and know that I will come back for them. I mean, I am happy. They are all of those things. They are growing they are changing, they are expanding. I'm thrilled. And I'm sad. The bed was just the beginning now I'm signing school paperwork and putting Diego underwear on my baby boy. (who sits on the potty, but so far, that's about it.)

I'm sad, sad because they aren't infants any more. Sad because I'm not the only one that can feed them, sad because not only can other people meet some of their needs, but they should. I have to share them with the world. I have to trust them to my God. Am I ready? Are they?

At least in this stage of our life, where we are right now, I still work. I'm not a full time stay at home Mom. Some days my job requires hours at a time of my time and my kids are so good about going with the flow, but really, they get bored. They need more than I can give. That's hard for me to come to grips with. But this is good. I think. This is the right step. I think. I trust God. I think.

I know that I am probably over processing. This is a small step. But it's also a big step, the next step where we walk into the unknown and trust our Heavenly Father to light our path, guide feet, and care for us. For me, that's a really big step.

The Big Boy Bed

So tonight we bought Noah a big boy bed.... It was an impulse buy, sort of. Brian and I have been brainstorming about how to re-do Noah's bedroom as his two year birthday is approaching. He is not even close to climbing out of his crib, but nevertheless we feel like reaching your two year milestone calls for moving on to bigger and better things as far as beds are concerned.

We had decided on a cars theme, if you know Noah, you know how thrilled he'll be with this. The dude lives for cars. Seriously, he said cars and made the vroom sound before he regularly called me Mama. I try not to hold that against him. Anyway, we picked out a race car bed that Brian would build in his new workshop aka: garage, I looked at material for a bedspread and curtains and voila! A plan began to take shape. I'm realizing that I'm not quite as excited about moving Noah to a big bed as I was Julia, for some reason, I'm wanting to hold on to this baby just a little longer.... But I comfort myself with the fact that Noah's birthday is 5 months away, in May, so... maybe by then he'll seem a little older, and I'll be ready to roll....

So anyway, back to the bed purchase. Brian found a Race Car toddler bed on sale on Craigslist. He makes a great case for it. It will be a better transition for Noah, he'll still make the twin sized bed, only with this plan, it takes the pressure of the deadline off. We can use his crib mattress... It's only $40.00 and we're sure to re-coup most of the cost back on craigslist when we're ready to move on... I try to confront my not so exuberant emotions looking for some sort of reasonable excuse to argue against the bed, but I come up empty. As a last ditch effort I called the family back and asked them if they'd take $30.00 for the bed... I figured if they said no maybe I'd argue $40 is to much for a used bed... yeah, right. No such luck, they lady was all too enthused to get some cash and move the 5 foot piece of royal blue plastic taking up space in her house. The next thing I know we're loading up the kids at 7:30 PM and start our 1 hour trek to Suffolk.

I know what your thinking, an hour each way on a Sunday night at bed-time??? But it wasn't so bad really, we didn't have anything better to do. With their movies, the kids do great in the car and when we're not fighting, Brian and I have some of our most memorable discussions on road trips. The ride was fun, the kids were quiet, we successfully journeyed through the peanut fields and windy dark paths and ended up with the Car Bed strapped carefully on top of our SUV. On the way home we discussed when to put Noah in his bed. My vote was May and I had lots of reasons for this. After all, to ensure a smooth transition, I need to get a big boy comforter, paint the bedroom, take down the crib... etc.... May gives me plenty of time. However, once again I got outvoted. Julia and Brian were so excited that the lysol had barely dried when Brian pushed the crib out of the way and proudly placed the Car in Noah's room. I carried my sleeping "big boy" upstairs and laid him in his new bed, having never seen the bed, he was completely and totally unaware....

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. Obviously, its 4 AM and I'm writing this. I'm thinking of Noah as a Newborn. Noah just beginning to sit, starting to crawl. Noah chasing his sister, running and playing.... I want to grab time by the tail and slow it down. I thought we moved Julia early, and we didn't move her until March! This is two whole months sooner than that. I guess this is like any other phase. A brilliant auther wrote a childrens book about celebrating their firsts, and grieving at little at their lasts. Last night was the last night Noah will sleep in his crib. When I laid him down, I didn't know that... When he woke up from his nap yesterday and I pulled him out over the rail, I didn't know it would be the last time. But it's like that with every stage, you don't know the minute before they do something new that it will be the last time the aren't able to....

Noah woke up a few minutes ago. He was confused. Poor kid, he could see his crib, but wasn't in it. I'm not sure he realized what he was in, even after I told him. He pointed to his crib... "Crib". Yep, baby that was your crib, but this, this is your Big Boy Car Bed. "Yeah!" he said. "Ba Ba?" I know, I know, if Noah is old enough for a bed he's too old for a bottle. But I carried him downstairs warmed up some milk and then cuddled him on his new bed while he drank it. I prayed it would hold me. Then I told my baby what a big boy he was as he drank his bottle. One small comfort, Noah looks awfully little in that toddler bed.

Some things just take time.... It's a little harder to let go the second time around.

Choose Life

Deuteronomy 30 :19 Says:

I call heaven and earth today to witness against you: I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live...

Why set before us life and death? Why blessings and curses? Why not just life, just blessings, just laughter and love and memories. Why must we choose? Why is it so hard for us to choose? Why can we just embrace the life that God has for us, how is it that we are tempted by curses?

While reading the Shack I was struck with the idea that God allows us independence, and freedom, but gives us in our free will the choice to be dependent and reliant on him. If there was no choice, we'd be slaves, trapped, puppets for his mere pleasure. But the Freedom in Christ exists in our free will deciding to lay down our expectations, our desires, our wants. It allows us to take our needs to him, instead of illegitimately trying to meet them with things of our own design.

Why is it such a hard choice... I think about the struggles that I have witnessed in the past few years. Impossible circumstances, pain, death and dying, financial crisis, I think about the process, the grieving, the surrendering, the laying down, the resurrection, the life.

Is it possible that life is birthed out of the death, that at the end of ourselves, our best shot, when we fall short and aren't able to make it on our own, that at the end of our rope, we find life. Could this be what it means to choose, to choose life in the middle of what feels like a curse to find freedom and contentment and peace and joy that is not dependent on circumstance?

Could it mean that its a daily, sometimes hourly choice? That when we are afraid, we choose life. When we are angry, we chose life. When we want to give up, we chose life. When we are hurting, we chose life. When we are dying, we chose life. When we are crying, we chose life. When we are confused, we chose life. When we don't know what to do, we chose life. When we are helpless, we chose life.

I choose life. Today I choose life. This hour, I choose life. I recognize the blessings and the curses, and I chose life.

It Starts....

Happy New Year.... The beginning of 2009, a clean slate, a fresh start, another chance.... All of those happily coined phrases that we use to describe a new year, or even a new day got me thinking. It got me thinking of all that we bring from yesterday into our tomorrows.

I rang in the new year in an nearly empty waiting room of a local hospital. I sat with two dear friends as they anxiously awaited news on their suddenly critically ill father.... It gave me a little more perspective. I thought about all of the party goers who were celebrating shamelessly, the dedicated prayer warriors who brought in 2009 on their knees with hearts bent towards the Heavens. I thought about my sleeping children who have no concept of time except for "last day" and "next morrow" who innocently missed the significance of the ticking clock. I thought about my resolve to trust, resolve to hope, resolve to be positive.... and I glanced at my friends who's eyes bore shadows of fear.

The new year is supposed to be hopeful. It is suppose to birth the dreams of yesterday, give us a chance to accomplish what we meant to, but didn't. Give us the opportunities we missed before, surprise us with uncertainties. "It's going to be a good year, I can feel it, we're due a good year" I heard myself telling my friend, willing my heart to believe it. "It's going to be a journey of ups and downs," she replied "like any other year".

I think she's right. I think a more reasonable thing to hope for is that we will fare well on the journey. Be faithful in to walk the path He sets before us, choose to let what doesn't kill us make us stronger, instead of bitter, and learn to handle our life and all it's uncertainties with authenticity and grace. I've come to this conclusion because I have had the shear privilege of knowing others who have succeeded in this area.

I have been thinking alot about those clichés, the ones we use to describe a new year, a new resolution, and though the often are cloaked in the the guise of hope, they seem to me to be steeped in regret. I guess I don't want to go into tomorrow thinking about what I didn't get done today. I don't want to set this year up to pay retribution for last years failures, and I really don't want a "clean slate". I don't want to forget the lessons I've learned through my stumbles, the healing that came after the pain, or the way it felt to lay it down. I don't want a sense of shame and regret to shape my tomorrow, but I want the beauty that came from the ashes to still be evident.

My friends are still awaiting answers to their questions, still waiting for their Dad to improve, and still hoping that tomorrow will look better than today did. It's been a difficult few days, more difficult for them than I can even imagine, but difficult for me to even observe the journey they are facing. I look for opportunities to celebrate in the midst of the pain. Here are some that I observed.... the two sisters who's bond is growing stronger over their shared love for a Father. The wife who has had no one other than her husband who is being given the opportunity to experience love and support from those around her, the sweet time of prayer in the waiting room that touched the heart of a stranger who's tears fell freely, the presence of Our Heavenly Father, who has been present through it all. It's about the journey, it's about perspective, it's about the process....

2009 will be a year of ups and downs like any other year. There will be births, there will be deaths, their will be triumphs and there will be pain. My resolve is to celebrate the ups a little louder, and lean in to Him who sustains me for the downs. It's not the fact that the calender rolled over that provides me with new opportunities, for His mercies are new every morning. My resolve is to hold on to that truth, and to be content with the journey keeping my eye on Him, not on my proposed destination.