Empty Nest?

This week we made a decision about where to send Julia to school. I think. We visited several schools, private, magnet, and finally the school we are zoned for. The truth is, I'm not thrilled with any of the options. I'm not feeling directed to home school her and I won't attempt that without being specifically directed. To my surprise we were all (Brian, me and Jules) thrilled with the public school that we are zoned for. It's just a minute from our house, the principal was great, there are bathrooms in her classroom, the teacher looks like a Grandma I could hug and bake cookies with, and they made pink play dough with sparkles!!!!! The teacher (the Grandma looking one) has been referred to us by three separate different people, including Julia's current preschool teacher. (Who by the way, loves my daughter.)

So now, we write a letter, politely ask to be placed in this classroom, and play the game, hope and pray we get the teacher. But I know that if we do it'll be because God has placed Julia in that room, and if not He has someone else for her.

Oddly enough we're doing the same thing for our 20 month old. We are hoping for one of five slots for the preschool where Julia has been since she was two. They can only have six children under two and a half in the building at a time, and I really want Noah to be one of them. He's going to love it. He did not want to leave the classroom he shared with Julia while I met with teachers and the office. He hugged the woman who had been a stranger only an hour before and asked her to keep reading to him. He said "No Mama" when I asked him to go home. Even when I bribed him with juice and chicken nuggets. I didn't know what to feel. Julia's excited about kindergarten. My one year old doesn't want to leave the preschool. I should be happy right?

That my kids are well adjusted, that they do well in social situations. That they detach appropriately and know that I will come back for them. I mean, I am happy. They are all of those things. They are growing they are changing, they are expanding. I'm thrilled. And I'm sad. The bed was just the beginning now I'm signing school paperwork and putting Diego underwear on my baby boy. (who sits on the potty, but so far, that's about it.)

I'm sad, sad because they aren't infants any more. Sad because I'm not the only one that can feed them, sad because not only can other people meet some of their needs, but they should. I have to share them with the world. I have to trust them to my God. Am I ready? Are they?

At least in this stage of our life, where we are right now, I still work. I'm not a full time stay at home Mom. Some days my job requires hours at a time of my time and my kids are so good about going with the flow, but really, they get bored. They need more than I can give. That's hard for me to come to grips with. But this is good. I think. This is the right step. I think. I trust God. I think.

I know that I am probably over processing. This is a small step. But it's also a big step, the next step where we walk into the unknown and trust our Heavenly Father to light our path, guide feet, and care for us. For me, that's a really big step.

The Big Boy Bed

So tonight we bought Noah a big boy bed.... It was an impulse buy, sort of. Brian and I have been brainstorming about how to re-do Noah's bedroom as his two year birthday is approaching. He is not even close to climbing out of his crib, but nevertheless we feel like reaching your two year milestone calls for moving on to bigger and better things as far as beds are concerned.

We had decided on a cars theme, if you know Noah, you know how thrilled he'll be with this. The dude lives for cars. Seriously, he said cars and made the vroom sound before he regularly called me Mama. I try not to hold that against him. Anyway, we picked out a race car bed that Brian would build in his new workshop aka: garage, I looked at material for a bedspread and curtains and voila! A plan began to take shape. I'm realizing that I'm not quite as excited about moving Noah to a big bed as I was Julia, for some reason, I'm wanting to hold on to this baby just a little longer.... But I comfort myself with the fact that Noah's birthday is 5 months away, in May, so... maybe by then he'll seem a little older, and I'll be ready to roll....

So anyway, back to the bed purchase. Brian found a Race Car toddler bed on sale on Craigslist. He makes a great case for it. It will be a better transition for Noah, he'll still make the twin sized bed, only with this plan, it takes the pressure of the deadline off. We can use his crib mattress... It's only $40.00 and we're sure to re-coup most of the cost back on craigslist when we're ready to move on... I try to confront my not so exuberant emotions looking for some sort of reasonable excuse to argue against the bed, but I come up empty. As a last ditch effort I called the family back and asked them if they'd take $30.00 for the bed... I figured if they said no maybe I'd argue $40 is to much for a used bed... yeah, right. No such luck, they lady was all too enthused to get some cash and move the 5 foot piece of royal blue plastic taking up space in her house. The next thing I know we're loading up the kids at 7:30 PM and start our 1 hour trek to Suffolk.

I know what your thinking, an hour each way on a Sunday night at bed-time??? But it wasn't so bad really, we didn't have anything better to do. With their movies, the kids do great in the car and when we're not fighting, Brian and I have some of our most memorable discussions on road trips. The ride was fun, the kids were quiet, we successfully journeyed through the peanut fields and windy dark paths and ended up with the Car Bed strapped carefully on top of our SUV. On the way home we discussed when to put Noah in his bed. My vote was May and I had lots of reasons for this. After all, to ensure a smooth transition, I need to get a big boy comforter, paint the bedroom, take down the crib... etc.... May gives me plenty of time. However, once again I got outvoted. Julia and Brian were so excited that the lysol had barely dried when Brian pushed the crib out of the way and proudly placed the Car in Noah's room. I carried my sleeping "big boy" upstairs and laid him in his new bed, having never seen the bed, he was completely and totally unaware....

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. Obviously, its 4 AM and I'm writing this. I'm thinking of Noah as a Newborn. Noah just beginning to sit, starting to crawl. Noah chasing his sister, running and playing.... I want to grab time by the tail and slow it down. I thought we moved Julia early, and we didn't move her until March! This is two whole months sooner than that. I guess this is like any other phase. A brilliant auther wrote a childrens book about celebrating their firsts, and grieving at little at their lasts. Last night was the last night Noah will sleep in his crib. When I laid him down, I didn't know that... When he woke up from his nap yesterday and I pulled him out over the rail, I didn't know it would be the last time. But it's like that with every stage, you don't know the minute before they do something new that it will be the last time the aren't able to....

Noah woke up a few minutes ago. He was confused. Poor kid, he could see his crib, but wasn't in it. I'm not sure he realized what he was in, even after I told him. He pointed to his crib... "Crib". Yep, baby that was your crib, but this, this is your Big Boy Car Bed. "Yeah!" he said. "Ba Ba?" I know, I know, if Noah is old enough for a bed he's too old for a bottle. But I carried him downstairs warmed up some milk and then cuddled him on his new bed while he drank it. I prayed it would hold me. Then I told my baby what a big boy he was as he drank his bottle. One small comfort, Noah looks awfully little in that toddler bed.

Some things just take time.... It's a little harder to let go the second time around.

Choose Life

Deuteronomy 30 :19 Says:

I call heaven and earth today to witness against you: I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life, then, that you and your descendants may live...

Why set before us life and death? Why blessings and curses? Why not just life, just blessings, just laughter and love and memories. Why must we choose? Why is it so hard for us to choose? Why can we just embrace the life that God has for us, how is it that we are tempted by curses?

While reading the Shack I was struck with the idea that God allows us independence, and freedom, but gives us in our free will the choice to be dependent and reliant on him. If there was no choice, we'd be slaves, trapped, puppets for his mere pleasure. But the Freedom in Christ exists in our free will deciding to lay down our expectations, our desires, our wants. It allows us to take our needs to him, instead of illegitimately trying to meet them with things of our own design.

Why is it such a hard choice... I think about the struggles that I have witnessed in the past few years. Impossible circumstances, pain, death and dying, financial crisis, I think about the process, the grieving, the surrendering, the laying down, the resurrection, the life.

Is it possible that life is birthed out of the death, that at the end of ourselves, our best shot, when we fall short and aren't able to make it on our own, that at the end of our rope, we find life. Could this be what it means to choose, to choose life in the middle of what feels like a curse to find freedom and contentment and peace and joy that is not dependent on circumstance?

Could it mean that its a daily, sometimes hourly choice? That when we are afraid, we choose life. When we are angry, we chose life. When we want to give up, we chose life. When we are hurting, we chose life. When we are dying, we chose life. When we are crying, we chose life. When we are confused, we chose life. When we don't know what to do, we chose life. When we are helpless, we chose life.

I choose life. Today I choose life. This hour, I choose life. I recognize the blessings and the curses, and I chose life.

It Starts....

Happy New Year.... The beginning of 2009, a clean slate, a fresh start, another chance.... All of those happily coined phrases that we use to describe a new year, or even a new day got me thinking. It got me thinking of all that we bring from yesterday into our tomorrows.

I rang in the new year in an nearly empty waiting room of a local hospital. I sat with two dear friends as they anxiously awaited news on their suddenly critically ill father.... It gave me a little more perspective. I thought about all of the party goers who were celebrating shamelessly, the dedicated prayer warriors who brought in 2009 on their knees with hearts bent towards the Heavens. I thought about my sleeping children who have no concept of time except for "last day" and "next morrow" who innocently missed the significance of the ticking clock. I thought about my resolve to trust, resolve to hope, resolve to be positive.... and I glanced at my friends who's eyes bore shadows of fear.

The new year is supposed to be hopeful. It is suppose to birth the dreams of yesterday, give us a chance to accomplish what we meant to, but didn't. Give us the opportunities we missed before, surprise us with uncertainties. "It's going to be a good year, I can feel it, we're due a good year" I heard myself telling my friend, willing my heart to believe it. "It's going to be a journey of ups and downs," she replied "like any other year".

I think she's right. I think a more reasonable thing to hope for is that we will fare well on the journey. Be faithful in to walk the path He sets before us, choose to let what doesn't kill us make us stronger, instead of bitter, and learn to handle our life and all it's uncertainties with authenticity and grace. I've come to this conclusion because I have had the shear privilege of knowing others who have succeeded in this area.

I have been thinking alot about those clichés, the ones we use to describe a new year, a new resolution, and though the often are cloaked in the the guise of hope, they seem to me to be steeped in regret. I guess I don't want to go into tomorrow thinking about what I didn't get done today. I don't want to set this year up to pay retribution for last years failures, and I really don't want a "clean slate". I don't want to forget the lessons I've learned through my stumbles, the healing that came after the pain, or the way it felt to lay it down. I don't want a sense of shame and regret to shape my tomorrow, but I want the beauty that came from the ashes to still be evident.

My friends are still awaiting answers to their questions, still waiting for their Dad to improve, and still hoping that tomorrow will look better than today did. It's been a difficult few days, more difficult for them than I can even imagine, but difficult for me to even observe the journey they are facing. I look for opportunities to celebrate in the midst of the pain. Here are some that I observed.... the two sisters who's bond is growing stronger over their shared love for a Father. The wife who has had no one other than her husband who is being given the opportunity to experience love and support from those around her, the sweet time of prayer in the waiting room that touched the heart of a stranger who's tears fell freely, the presence of Our Heavenly Father, who has been present through it all. It's about the journey, it's about perspective, it's about the process....

2009 will be a year of ups and downs like any other year. There will be births, there will be deaths, their will be triumphs and there will be pain. My resolve is to celebrate the ups a little louder, and lean in to Him who sustains me for the downs. It's not the fact that the calender rolled over that provides me with new opportunities, for His mercies are new every morning. My resolve is to hold on to that truth, and to be content with the journey keeping my eye on Him, not on my proposed destination.