The place between faith and fear...

I think I may be having a crisis in faith....This blog is about a month and a half in the making.  The truth is, if I were to be completely transparent, I have been wanting to wait to the end of the story- so that I can be sure it has a happy ending.  However, I honestly feel that maybe the lesson isn't in the ending though, but in the journey. So, here I go, here's the story...

On the morning of November 8th I received an unexpected text message from a dear friend.  This friend isn't the type to use, "Thus Sayith the Lord" frequently, and is careful never to presume spiritual things unless she is confident that God has spoken to her. Perhaps that made the message that much more impacting when she said she felt a nudge from the Lord to share it.   The message was that while driving in a neighborhood about a half hour from our current home, she was burdened for my family and felt that there was a home there for us there in Suffolk. But maybe that's not even the beginning of the story.  Maybe the beginning started in the days preceding that message, when in moments of fatigue from going around familiar mountains I confessed to several good friends.... "I just don't have any hope left".  If you read one of my previous blogs you'll observe that I was wrestling with when to fight and when rest, when to tread water and when to give in to allow God to carry me, and the constant spinning of my own wheels in my own strength had left me breathless, hopeless, and absolutely exhausted. The reality that I didn't even know how to hope anymore was staggering.... I needed a breakthrough.

Back to the text message from my friend.  I'm not anything if not honest, so I'll tell you the truth when I read that message, I laughed. (Sorry T, for my little faith.)  An interesting thing happened when I chuckled, not a happy chuckle, but the silent, bitter chuckle of a cynical worn out soul who has embraced a suspicious and doubting identity...I instantaneously though of the scripture when Sarah laughed at the messengers who prophesied the birth of Isaac. It's such a little passage, but oh so powerful : Genisis 18: 10Then one of them said, “I will return to you about this time next year, and your wife, Sarah, will have a son!”

Sarah was listening to this conversation from the tent. 11Abraham and Sarah were both very old by this time, and Sarah was long past the age of having children. 12So she laughed silently to herself and said, “How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master—my husband—is also so old?”

13Then the LORD said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh? Why did she say, ‘Can an old woman like me have a baby?’ 14Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

15Sarah was afraid, so she denied it, saying, “I didn’t laugh.”

But the LORD said, “No, you did laugh.”

Sarah laughed.  Because she was old, and tired, and hopeless.  Because in the waiting she'd surrendered, not to the loving hand of her Father but instead to doubt and disappointment. Because I don't think of Old Testament stories all that often, I paid particular attention.  I didn't want to doubt.  I wanted to hope.  Something to hope for, Someone to hope in.... So I decided to do a little exploring.

I'm going to try to hit the highlights here and not bore you to death with the details.  (There are alot of them.)  There was a house.  One house, that had come on the market the day before, more than a hundred thousand dollars less than anything else in the neighborhood. It was significantly closer to our families, my office, and a large community of life-long friends who we spend a great deal of time with.  The house is beautiful, and only five years old. It is large, much larger than anything I ever thought I'd live in.  It uniquely addresses so many of our ideal wish list items... It has a sun room off the back that looks into a line of woods,where there will never be another house.  It has an office, for me, with a legitimate door. It has space for a ginormouos play room for my children to spread out and play without cluttering the rest of the home.  There's a second flight of stairs, so that when I wake in wee hours of the morning I'll be able to sneak down the hall far from where the kids sleep and get some time to pray.  It is directly across from a park where I could sit on my porch (it has a beautiful porch) and watch my kids play.  There are sidewalks, and a pier with water where Brian can kayak.  It has a work shop, with electric where Brian can putz around and craft things and and we can still park cars in the garage.  I could go on and on.  This is my dream house.  Everything about it.  I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect home if I'd been given the chance.

It would go fast... I knew that it would. We checked some logistics.  We could afford it.  We could get qualified for it.  Comparables suggested we could get a lot more for my current home than what we could have gotten in the spring when I'd last looked.  There were road blocks.  The seller (it's a foreclosure) was not likely to accept my loan type.  If we got in a bidding war (which was likely) we couldn't go up much.  It needed  some cosmetic work, and foreclosures are as is, so my lender wouldn't likely allow the loan.  If I were representing a client in my situation I'd have advised against pursuing it, because this type of contract wouldn't likely be accepted.   But we put in an offer anyway.  If God was in this, then we were operating in a different set of circumstances.  After two counters, my offer was accepted.  The seller volunteered to pay for bank required repairs. (this nearly never happens).  A half hour after my contract was accepted the seller received three others, but because we got ours in so quickly we never had to compete. 

We began to prepare our current home for sale.  I lamented having to keep my home in "show"condition.  I was worried about some of the things that we needed to take care of.  I was worried about a long market time because of Christmas.  I was worried about making two mortgage payments.  My house sold the day we put it on the market to a site unseen buyer.  We never even had to show it.

It seemed as if God was in this.  As we began to plan, dream, and shop for our new home something happened in my heart.  The place where cynicism had made its home was slowly being eradicated as hope grew.  I began to look forward to a future in our new home.  A fresh start, more space closer to a significant part of our community.  I began to dream again...

There've been ups and downs.  Misfiled rejected deed.  Low appraisal on our current home.  Outstanding documents. (like my commission agreement!)  There, like in all real estate deals, have been places where it could have all fallen apart.  And then there has been the necessary resolution.  I can honestly say that I haven't strived.  Haven't pushed this, haven't pulled strings. I've been faithful, and responsive and done my job as an agent, but it has felt that God has been a step ahead of the whole process.

We're supposed to close today, but I don't think we're going to.  The seller is having trouble clearing the title.  We probably just need a few more days, but the contract ends tomorrow.  I need the seller to sign an extension.  To agree to give us more time.  Especially since the ball is in their court.  

My previous relationship with doubt and suspicion see an opportunity to creep back in.  And I'm in a battle to remain at peace.  Where it seemed such a God thing that my home sold so quickly, now I'm having trouble not thinking that if this doesn't goes through....I'll be homeless.  (It reminds me of the Israelites who wanted so badly out of Egypt but when the down and dirty happened on the journey they just wanted to go back to the familiar, the safe.) 

I woke up in the middle of the night this week scared the whole thing was going to fall apart.  I felt like God said, "If I am for you, who can be against you."  The ball isn't in the seller's court.  My future is in the hands of a loving Father.  I'd like to fast forward and see how this all turns out, but right now, I have to choose to trust Him...

Romans 15:13 "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

It's in my decision to trust that confident hope will overflow.  Not in the certainty of the outcome.  God is good.  He is for my good.  Regardless of what happens.  I'm choosing to trust, and praying for the joy and peace that comes because I trust Him.

Through The Fire

Several years ago my dear sister in law was badly burned in an accidental kitchen fire.  She suffered second and third degree burns over a large portion of her body.  I still remember that day.  I was planting flowers in our garden all grimy and covered in earth and Brian came running from the house with the phone in his hand- “Heather, what do you put on a burn?”  After explaining the accident and the extent of her injury I replied quickly – “You put a hospital on it.  Tell her to go now, we’ll meet them there.”

The family gathered in the waiting room.  There was a mix of sullen and quiet, and hysterical crying as we waited for the doctor’s prognosis.  After being stabilized and assessed she was transferred to the burn unit, where she spent quite an extended period of time healing from her wounds. 

We, her family and friends, divided up practical ways to support her family.  Care for her small children, meals, preparing her home for her return.  She spent her hours and days in much agony reeling from her pain both physical and emotional, while her care providers helped her focus on recovery.

Recovery from a burn isn’t easy.  Much care is taken to prevent infection from setting in. From what I understand it’s a complicated and regimented process where they bathe the wounds, peel away the dead skin, and treat the raw naked wound with antibiotics and salve.  There is wrapping and unwrapping, and scraping and scrubbing.  I think that at times, the methods that were used to prevent infection were maybe even more painful then the fire itself.

I think that my sweet sister in law spent hours wondering why she endured such a tragic accident.  I think she spent hours vacillating between wanting to heal and go home, and wanting to just give up and be done with the healing process.   It takes work to really heal.  It takes determination, and a conclusive commitment to enduring even more excruciating pain to ensure that the wounds heal completely, without a trace of impurity that can settle in, infect and contaminate and threaten the entire body. Some of us are fighting to heal.  Some of us are fighting to avoid the pain, deciding instead to live with wounds that left untreated could ultimately destroy us. 

Healing seems to come in waves.  It starts with hope, an outlook, a prognosis that pronounces that such pain has not been mortally wounding.  It promises hope for recovery and restoration.  We decide to ride the wave.  Sometimes I think as the wave crescendos into its masterpiece we struggle with the process.  Getting thrashed around, barely able to breath, the threat of additional pain, and then it calms.  Just for a moment, before the next wave appears.  I think that sometimes I want to live in between the waves. It’s calmer in between… safer, there.  It’s less painful there. The problem with refusing to ride the next wave is that it means we refuse to keep healing, keep progressing, to let the restorative nature of the healing process actually heal us.  And we struggle, and fight, we think we might drown, might not survive the process.  So we try to save ourselves.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming… And we grow tired so tired.  And the current goes stronger.  And in our weakness… It’s there we have a choice.  A choice to surrender, or a choice to keep fighting. 

Sometimes I think that we fight to keep our head above the water, and treading our little legs we’re able to do just that, for a while any way.  We tell ourselves to persevere, keep on fighting, press on… but how long can you keep on barely surviving?

Certainly, there’s a time for pressing on… but I think its possible that even in our good intentions to keep up the good fight, we might miss the point entirely… which is to just let go.  Not surrendering unto death, but surrendering so that we might truly live. Because, we can’t really save ourselves.  If we could, our Father would have never sent His Son. After all, His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  2 Corithians 12:9

I think that maybe, when we stop fighting with the great physician, who seeks to remove all of our impurities, when we just surrender… to the waves healing, and to the pain, then we can really, really start to heal.  Skin that grows is fragile.  Its soft, it’s unadulterated, it’s pure. It’s new, like just like a newborn baby.

We learn as Christians to pray for this.  We have songs about the refiners fire.  We have language- “let it burn, bring your fire!”  We have fire tunnels.  Well, some of us do.  But fire, fire is unbearably hot.  It is excruciating.  Sometimes I think that when we sing our pretty songs, and pray well-intentioned prayers, we forget what we are asking for is utterly painful.

I believe He desires that we might truly live, that we would be rid of our impurities, the things in us that allowed to remain would destroy us… Selfish ambition, independence, control, addictions, coping mechanisms, I could go on and on and on.  If these things are allowed to remain they will contaminate us, mortally wound us, and those that we care about. He cleanses us with Fire, and with Water – “Everything that can stand the fire, you shall pass through the fire, and it shall be clean.  Nevertheless, it shall also be purified with the water for impurity.” Numbers 31:23

“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he will purify the sons of Levi, and refine them like gold and silver, and they will bring offerings in righteousness to the Lord”  Malachi 3:3

I am starting to realize that God is so less concerned with my comfort than he is with my purification, and my heart.  He wants to rid my heart of it’s hard, bitter, impurities.  Impurities left behind from thirty (plus) years of wounds.  Wounds I never really fully surrendered, and never really healed from. 

He’s honest about the fact that we, believers will suffer trials.  “These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold, though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed”  1 Peter 1:7

“When trouble comes your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow! For when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect, and complete”  James 1:2-4

I think that I am realizing that these familiar mountains are very revealing.  And what they are revealing is my dis-in genuine faith. 

Sometimes Hannah will free fall from high spaces.  My bed, the top of the stairs.  Just fall, without hesitation, because she knows that I will catch her.  Genuine faith knows that the Father, will catch and carry us.  Through fires, and crashing waves.  I think that we stop struggling to save our selves, to fix ourselves, than we can truly be saved… and healed, and purified.  We can’t live between the waves any more than a burn victim can live in the middle of the burn treatments.  The calm, and comfortable place in between is a place of death, not of life.

I’m ready to live….  To burn, and to heal.  I’m ready to surrender, to stop struggling and be carried through the waves.  I’m ready to quit fighting, and rest under the shadow of the wing of the one who carries me.

It’s been over seven years.  You can barely see the scars from her skin grafts.  You might be tempted to think they are evidence of her wounds.  You’d be wrong.  They are evidence of her healing…

Trust

Last year in February my daughter’s school (Summit Christian Academy) had priority enrollment for returning families.  In Real Estate, often you find yourself in a situation of feast or famine, and at the time, I really needed to wait a few months before we had the funds for enrolling Julia, and upcoming kindergartener Noah. We were really trying to be good stewards and didn’t want to borrow the money.  Also, we knew that if we waited a few months then we’d have plenty so we didn’t want to apply for assistance from the school.

Two months later when we sat down with the principal to discuss enrolling the children, she informed us that there was in fact, a waiting list for kindergarten.  With five kids on it.  I shook my head… but what does that mean? She explained as tenderly as she could that we’d waited too long and kindergarten was full, and then some. 

In a very un-Heather like moment I burst into tears.  I wasn’t hearing her words any more.  I was imagining balancing three children in three different schools with different start times and holidays.  I wondered if we could pull that off for a year if there’d be any difference and if we could even get him in for first grade.  I was imagining having to tell Julia that she couldn’t be with her friends, who she loves, because we couldn’t stay at the school that we loved because I’d failed.  Failed to sign them up quick enough.  Failed to make enough money.  Failed to plan accurately.  I was devastated.  We added Noah’s name to the waiting list and pulled out of the parking lot. 

My head was spinning.  We were going to have to visit schools, meet with administrators, look at new fee schedules… we didn’t have time to add this to our crazy life.  But when I slowed down and took a breath, I felt almost a burden to rest…. It was almost like God was reminding me that He had this all under control.  I didn’t feel released to do ANYTHING… I really felt like this was a season where I waited on Him, to guide and direct.  So I didn’t Google any schools.  I didn’t make any calls.  I didn’t do anything.  And that felt really weird, and honestly irresponsible. 

It only felt irresponsible because I’m so independent.  Which really at the end of the day means despite the fact that I muck things up on a regular basis I’m still inclined to trust my human efforts over the sovereign destiny my Father has for me.

There’s a fine line between doing things in excellence and striving in our own strength.  There’s a fine line between fear and wisdom.  Sometimes fear causes me to strive, but I pretend like I’m properly planning, and being wise.  Real wisdom never asks you to take your eyes off of the One who spoke the world into existence and places responsibility on the shoulders of imperfection.

Fast forward…. Noah got into Summit.  Turns out they had so much interest they started another class.  I was temped to lament the fact that Noah would be in a different class than Julia had been… But then I reminded myself that God was orchestrating the whole process.

Noah’s teacher is wonderful. She is kind and driven by a big heart with love for Jesus and her students.  She inspires the kids to learn.  She is perfect for my little man cub.  And God knew that.  And He knew that if I’d done things “according to schedule” Noah would have missed being in her class.  This wonderful, smaller class, with kids that he knew from his preschool where he was destined to be

Noah is learning how to read.  And write his name.  And what numbers represent.  And that Jesus loves Him, and that he is writing his Jesus story right now…. And I’m learning.  Learning that His ways are higher than ours. Isaiah 55:9  Sometimes in the middle of the unknown, we can't see what's around the corner.  Sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to.  Sometimes, they work out better.

I just got to go on a field trip with my boy…. I watched his eyes wide in wonder.  I watched him laugh with his friends.   I watched him learn and play and I was grateful.  Grateful that God is directing his steps… and mine too when I choose to rest and trust in Him.

His thoughts are higher than ours… His ways are higher than ours.  His plans…. They are even better than hours…. So we can rest, and hope and be confident in His plans for us.

I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord.

They are plans for:

(peace, completeness, wellness, soundness)

and not

(adversity, affliction, bad, calamity, displeasure, distress)

Plans to give you a hope for your future….

Jeremiah 29:11

I pray that God, the source of Hope will fill you completely with joy and peace, because you trust in Him.  Then you will overflow with the confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Romans 15:13

My Favorite Pics from Belmont Pumpkin Farm

Perspective....

So.... I took the kids camping.  Well,  Erin and I took the kids camping.  As it turns out, Erin and I make a terrific team and the weekend was wondrous!  It was a bit intimidating, because Brian had previously committed to going to an NFL game and choosing to go camping with my brother and his wonderful family was exciting and a bit scary without the support and assistance of my sweet husband. My brother booked the sites back in the spring time.  When my brother Nate goes camping he always goes to Crabtree falls in the western part of Virginia.  It's tucked away in the Blue ridge mountains, just outside of skyline drive.  The campground is nestled right along the banks of the Tyre river, and the waters that run come cascading down Crabtree falls.  According to Wikipedia:  Crabtree falls is one of the tallest sets of waterfalls in the US east of the the Mississipi.  It's credited as being 1200 feet high and has a series of five major cascades.

Nate only believes in tent camping, right along the river.  A minimum of a five minute walk from the parking lot, with no water or electricity on the sites...  The campsites are private, and secluded, far from other campers, and city noise.  Due to the canopy of trees, you can only see shadows and the glimmer of brilliant stars.  The river provides a soothing serene ambiance.  Cooking happens over the open flame of the campfire, or a camp stove.  I know that roughing it is completely subjective, but taking three little ones to a campsite in sub thirty degrees with no heat was a little nerve wracking.

Erin and I ran the show like a machine,  loading up kids and wheel barrow we had the tent established in less than ten minutes and the  car unpacked about a half hour.  We set up beds.  We put on jackets, we started a fire....

The weekend had everything that a camping trip should.  It had s'mores, and hikes, and fires, and and hotdogs and coffee from a percolator.  It had jackets, and runny noses, and leaves, and dirt and grime.  It had cuddles by a fire, and the laughter of children and falling leaves and gravel paths.   It had frigid cold temps, and cuddling just to stay warm.... it had glimmering sunshine through the trees.  It had solitude, and simplicity, and the hard manual work of lifting and carrying and setting up and tearing down.  And it had lessons... so many life lessons.

Not everything went perfect.  Despite our best efforts, and near perfection, Erin and I made the slightest mistake in setting up the tent.  I think that itsy bitsy mistake cost us about 15 degrees that night.  It was so very cold....  Two out of three of my children fell in the Tyre river.  The third has a bald spot from where she got gum stuck in her hair.  There were falls, and a twisted ankle, and tears.  Everybody was exhausted and each of the kids asked to go home separately and at least once...

Surprisingly,  that's not really what I remember. It's not what the kids remember either.  They remember:  Laughing.  Playing. Singing.  Praying. Hiking.  Cuddling.  Campfires.  S'mores.  They remember having an adventure.  Conquering the cold.  Being a family.  Climbing a mountain.  Seeing a waterfall. Roasting marshmallows. Building a fire.

I remember... Being given the chance to take a chance at living life....  and taking the risk.  The risk of getting lost, the risk of messing up the tent, the risk of cold, the risk of failure... and taking the chance to live....  and embrace the good with the bad... and the reward, was oh so worth it. In the freezing, frigid 24 degree weather... I felt alive....  When I was cleaning up my kids and drying them off, and drying their shoes, I felt alive....  When they laughed, when we hugged, when I comforted and carried them... I felt alive.  

And I realized, that I always have a choice.  I can choose what captures my gaze... What monopolizes my thoughts... to what I dedicate my attention... my energy, my worship.....

I have felt recently like I'm being challenged to focus my attention... Not on what is directly in front of me... but on what we can not see.... because it seems to be those things that matter.  The eternally significant, the forever moments that can pass by... I can be safe, or I can live... but I'm not sure I can do both.....  I am choose life.  Life without worry... or anxiety or fear....

For so long I've heard: be anxious for nothing... that's so hard for someone like me. Because I'm a doer, not watcher.  I don't know how to not... only to do.  So without an alternative to not being anxious.... well I'm just anxious.  Recently while reading in Matthew 6 something struck me.  You know the scripture.  Everyone does, consider the Lilies, don't worry... etc.  But one verse stuck out.  

"Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body.  When your eye is good your whole body is filled with light."  Matthew 6:22

I think that what got to me was that there was a revelation that I could do something, something active not just choosing to not be anxious, but really choosing what to focus on.  Because if our focus is clear, and holy, than our whole lives are filled with His light... 

"So we fix our gaze, not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

The mess doesn't matter.  Literally or figuratively.  If we focus on what is directly in front of us, instead of on Him who holds the stars in His hands... Then our vision isn't clear.  When our vision is distorted, everything is dark and confused.  

There really is a choice... what captivates our attention....  I'm choosing light. One day at a time... And I'm waking up... just a little more every moment....

Some of my favorite memories:

 Consider the Lilies....

The Wedding Cake

I'm making a wedding cake..... I'm adding a bit of this and a bit of that and I'm remembering.  I'm remembering the bride before she was a bride.  I'm remembering the bride when she was a teeny tiny newborn girl with silky dark hair, fuzzy peach skin, and rosebud lips. I'm remembering her smile, and coo, and cuddle and blow bubbles....  I'm remembering the little girl her run and giggle, and twirl, and sing. I'm remembering the willowy teen-ager with a tough girl shell and one of the sweetest spirits I have ever known.... I'm remembering the young adult her... between the girl and the woman, and seeing her mature right before my eyes...  And the in-love grown-up girl, with sparkly eyes and blushing cheeks...

I'm remembering my own wedding cake and all it represented.... donned with my favorite flower, and the flicker of the candle light.... (actually the flicker turned into a flame, but that's another story.)  I remember starting this journey called marriage.... and my fairytale wedding.   Marrying the man of my dreams surrounded by beauty and friendship and family.  You can forget the magic that was that day after twelve years of days to fill your memories.... Unless you take the time to remember.

Making a wedding cake is an intricate process.  It's made with special ingredients to make sure that it isn't dry, doesn't crumble and is strong enough to support the weight of all of it's layers.  It's got to be very precise, and delicate even in it's strength.  I guess the thing is, I'm not very good with precision.  I like results, to pound things out, to produce....  precise is a bonus.  But not with a wedding cake... Creating a wedding cake takes time, and thought and care and patience.  You even have to carefully prepare the pans, because such large cakes have a tendency to have a difficult time cooking evenly. Rushing through it causes the cake to fall apart to pieces.... It takes time.

I used to think that making cakes was all about making them pretty.  I think that's because truth be told, I don't like to eat cake all that much. I like to make them, which is really interesting considering that I'm really not all that crafty.  I think maybe there's something about making cakes that's a bit cathartic to me.  When I first started, I largely overestimated my abilities and underestimated the challenges.  (Typical me!)   But I never made them for fun.... Only for huge life events for other people. So failure was not an option.  There were many a midnight trip to the store for more supplies, to procure ingredients for round two when I'd ruined the first.  Most of the time there were tears.... Great frustration and disappointment over my lack of ability.  And then I'd pick myself up off the floor and start again.  I'd pray and pray. In most instances the finished product didn't look like I imagined it would.  But I was almost always thrilled with the result and sometimes it even looked better than I'd hoped.

I remember when I realized that it was important that the cake taste good too... some really good friends (you know who you are!)  lovingly told me that it's not just about how it looks, because the most beautiful cake can be offensive if what's inside the beautiful exterior isn't sweet, moist, and full of flavor. Kind of like the marriage.

People say:  It's a journey....  It's a process.... It's a fairy tale.  And it is, all of those things.... and making a beautiful marriage, like making a beautiful cake can be hard too....  It can be frustrating and disappointing and painful.  And it requires patience, and time, and grace for the chance to try again, and the right elements to make it strong, and firm and stand tall able to bear tremendous weight.... and the emphasis has to be on what's inside.... Not just how it looks, but how it is.... Possessing a flavor that is sweet, and full and appealing. Bathing it in prayer, and being willing to keep working on it. Accepting sometimes that there are flaws and cracks, and that's part of what makes it beautiful... the imperfections, and how they work together to create a masterpiece.

Happy wedding lovely bride.... You are as beautiful as the day you were born. Welcome to the family, her groom... We can't wait to get to know you better and love how you love our Leela. I'm so blessed to celebrate your beginning with you and to be able make this token for your special day.

And Happy Twelve years... man of my dreams....  despite the cracks, and the flaws, and the imperfections, there is depth and beauty and strength.  It hasn't always looked like I thought it would, but I think in truth that what is being produced in us is far more beautiful than I ever knew to hope for...

1 Corithians 13

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails.